Mental Illness, Self-Love, Etc.

So I haven't been very active lately, and I apologize for that. I really wanted to dedicate a lot of my time and resources to making this website a better place for writers and readers, and I've failed at that. A lot of it has been because I'm just lazy and a procrastinator, but another large piece has been some major mental health issues.

I've been in a really dark place for awhile now. Not, like, suicide dark (thank god), but just super unhappy. Super sad. Lots of emotions and lots of feelings and lots of anxiety. I actually think I haven't been suicidal just due to the fact that I fear the nothingness of death more than the darkness of being alone with my thoughts.

I've been drinking a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I used to go months between drinks and getting drunk but lately it's been an every day thing. Every night. Vodka + RedBull and margaritas have been my drinks of choice. I think I've just been to scared to be alone with my thoughts, and drinking numbs that, and distracts me. I'm sure my therapist will love to hear more about how I drink to deal with my depression. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm seeing a therapist?

I've just recently gone through one of the most difficult (emotionally) weeks of my life. Even when I was 15 and thinking about burning myself alive in my bed, I don't think I've ever been this sad. It's everything. I have such terrible anxiety about my future and my love life and work and my writing and everything. Absolutely fucking everything. I can't even stand to be by myself anymore, cuz my mind is just going to fall into its own downward spiral of anxiety and overthinking and its just going to suck. I think that's why I've been drinking. I tried going out and doing things, but it's been too cold lately. There's noting scarier now than being alone with my mind.

I think a large part of myself just needs to learn self-love. I think I just need to know and understand that I am worth it. I am amazing. I can do anything I put my mind to. There's just been so much shit here lately, that I don't know if I can believe that right now. And it doesn't help that I base my self-worth on whether or not I have a boyfriend, which, as of right now I do not. I think I also need to learn to be responsible for my own happiness, contrary to placing that burden on someone else like I have been for the last four fucking years.

So again, I apologize for being absent. It's just been hard. And I apologize for the relatively nonsensical blog about my feelings, which no one probably gives a fuck about. I hope I get out of this soon.
February 11th, 2019 at 04:53am