I Think I Really Need Therapy (A Long Blog About My Issues)

Hi, Mibba. It’s me. Quite a bit has changed since I mentioned my new phone in my last blog post a year and a half ago...

I’m not getting into that a ton though but I made a Reddit post about how I think I might need counseling or meds. I’m making a similar post here because I like validation that yes, there’s something is wrong with me and/or my brain.

I’ll break it up into categories:

~Family~
Let’s see, from the time I was in elementary school up to now (I’m 27), my parents have fought. It was bad and scary and loud and things would get broken and thrown.

There was infidelity on my dad’s part. This lead to a lot of late nights with me worrying at home, trying to distract them when they did argue, hoping they would go to sleep and me just running to a neighbor’s house to get away from it, in the middle of the night, (Like after midnight!). I was always anxious about what was going on at home when I wasn’t home (like, if I were at church or youth group at night). I hated going home.

There were also a ton of back and forth separations where my dad would move out then back in, then back out, then back in, depending on how things were going with his (infidelity related) girlfriend. I never knew when it would happen but I preferred it when they were separate (even though that didn't stop arguments).

At one point, my mom, sister and I lived in an apartment for a while then moved back home. The parents fighting has never stopped. My parents are essentially married roommates who don’t believe in divorce (which made my life miserable).

My sister and I used to actually hit each other a lot back then even though it wasn’t okay to do. I stopped though but my sister’s still abusive, especially verbally. She causes a lot of issues at home, she’s been that way forever, always fighting with our mom. She’s now 20 and pregnant and if she didn’t already act like a spoiled, selfish, rude, careless, entitled brat, she sure does now.

Everyone here is literally afraid of her. I’m pretty sure she’s a demon in human form because I’ve never seen anyone act as vicious as she does. She’ll hit me, yell at my parents, throw shit, knock shit over, break doors and windows, etc.

*In middle school, I was bullied a lot at school and church and I was stressed because of home so I turned to self-harm which is still a struggle even though I’ve rarely done it since high school.

*During my high school years, I began a lot of suicide ideation, I always made plans to at lunch at school but never did because of online friends.

*In my sophomore year, we had financial issues so my mom, sister and I (my dad was in jail at this point for a drug charge that was due to my mom) moved in with my grandma and alcoholic uncle in another city.

That was messy too. My mom and uncle would get in a lot of literal fights. Police would be called several times. I’m pretty sure I’m traumatized from all of the fighting and arguing I’ve seen in my life between my parents, my mom and uncle and my mom and sister.

*After I quit college (I’m such a loser), I ended up stuck at home because my dad had a heart attack and my mom spent my rent money and made me feel guilty for wanting to still move in with friends in my college town, i stayed home and ruined any potential growth.

*Then I found out my mom was cheating on my dad with a verbally abusive guy who was seriously one of the worst people I’ve very met.

I was constantly anxious due to knowing about the guy and my dad not knowing, about him destroying our house and yelling at my mom, anxious about him and my dad fighting after my dad found out, anxious about my dad finding the guy in the house when he got off work early and anxious because the guy would come and yell or bang on the house for my mom to talk to him or give him stuff at all hours of the day and night. He was abusive towards my mom. He’s dead now though and to be honest, I’m not upset about it. it gave me a somewhat peace, at least ‘one’ issue was finally over after years.

*Also, my mom’s on drugs and that stresses me out
*My dad’s old and has heart problems and that stresses me out
*My sister gives me anxiety

~*~Friends~*~
I have no friends minus a couple sort of online. I ruined my best online friendships because I couldn’t take not being able to go places with them.

Long story short:
We were all going to go to a conference together and stay in a hotel together but then I found out my shitty cousin gave my house bedbugs, which meant no more rooming with them. I was super angry and hurt and I fought with my friends multiple times over it. I was out of line but I was so hurt.

I’m surprised I didn’t ruin everything then but something did crack because a year later, after two of them went to a conference together (without telling me they were going when they knew I was going myself), a month later (after no talking at all and I felt fine with it then upset) I left our group chat because no one was messaging me. I’m so childish. I tried to fix things but I even made things worse after that. I’m still hurt over that and it will be two years in July since I destroyed everything.

Besides that, my best(?) online friend has ghosted me twice now for a year each time and the second time is still currently on-going.

I was pretty isolated in college after my first semester of my sophomore year (My friend moved back home and my uncle was murdered by the police in October of the year) and I hardly tried to know people and actively pushed people away who wanted to know me and I hate myself for it.

~*~Me, in a nutshell~*~
*Anxious over hectic home life (Sister, finances, mom on drugs, etc.)
*Suicidal ideation
*I cuss myself out a ton
*Anxious over not wanting to die when I feel I could die
*Anxious over Heaven since it’s really, really, really big and the thought is too much
*Anxious over Hell if I ever did die by suicide but thinking I’m going to Hell anyway
*Anxious over living in non-safe neighborhood with shootings and robberies
*Anxious over mass shootings and terrorist attacks and government takeover
*Anxious over the biblical rapture and tribulation
*Anxious over the night time and dark
*Anxious about being home alone
*Anxious about walking alone (I can’t even walk to the bus stop by myself because Fear and I walk super fast if I have to walk home without my mom)
*Anxious about ever living alone because 1. Murder/Robbery/Assault 2. I could hurt myself and isolate myself a lot.
*Anxious about riding in cars (mostly with my sister - she drives fast and has a temper)
*Anxious about ever learning to drive
*Anxious about not having my parents (even if they really stress me out)
*Self harm - Now I just hit myself or yell at myself or cuss myself out over anything and everything. I have anger issues toward myself.
*I have no self-worth or self-confidence or self-esteem
*I’m so negative and pessimistic
*I always want to turn to self-harming more
*I’m...sad? But still like to watch stuff on Netflix, keep up with my ongoing shows, be online, scroll through Twitter.
*I can feel happy over things for the majority of the days but I’m never an actual Happy Person
*I don’t think I could be depressed because of the above statements. Even if I want to be because it would give me an excuse to be how I am otherwise it’s just me being fucked up.
*I want friends but talking is hard because I have a speech impediment and I always worry I sound stupid or say the wrong things.
*Even messaging people on Twitter can be too hard for me to do because it takes energy
*I like my job okay, it’s just data entry and I can listen to stuff while I do it, but it makes me tired? But it’s not a hard job it’s just a lot of (40) hours. It feels like deja but when I go in each weekday.
*I feel like a huge loser because I dropped out of college and owe too much to ever finish college, etc.
*I wrote 79k words for NaNo but since then haven’t looked at it because it’s too daunting and I was so looking forward to it at the end of November

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I don’t know what to say now.I feel like I have a lot to work through but I sometimes feel okay but looking at everything I typed, I just feel drained...