Unraveling

Hey, y'all!

So this is just kinda gonna be a vent blog. I just have a lot on my chest and a lot of things to say that I just feel like the people around me don't understand or get. So, yeah...

I got back like 2/3 of my graduate decisions back to back and they're both rejections.

The first one that came was from a college that's in the city that I like to call an "uppity business school" and it is and I wasn't really into it but I wanted to have options, ya know? They said no and I really wasn't expecting/hoping to get accepted by them anyway so whateva.

But yesterday/last night I got the email from the school that I'm currently at/ my #1 choice and it just completely left me breathless. Like I plotted, planned, worked so hard to try to get into the program (and it's probably one of the hardest to get into the state/maybe even country). And, like, I knew getting in would be slim but I thought I had enough of the "right" components to do so..but I don't.

And I'm kinda just at a lost. Like the next year or so of my life just completely poofed away with a click.

And I just feel so...not cheated, but like, disappointed. I'm extremely disappointed with myself and the decision. And everyone is just suggesting like "take matriculate. take a year off. it's god's plan!" and just...I don't wanna hear it lol.

I don't even know what I wanna hear, but nothing sounds right. Nothing sounds like the things I wanna do. At all.

But, now, I don't even care what the last college says. I don't wanna go there. I'm hoping they also say no.

I feel like I put a lot of my worth into the physical things I have. Like I'm worthy because I have a college education. Like I should be even more worthy when I get a graduate education. Like I'll be even more worthy when I have a good paying job, a house, a nice car. When that's not how it works. And I only hold myself to that standard. It's fucked up and I would never go around and say "Oh, well, you don't have a degree so you're not an adequate person" like who thinks like that??? Like I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself from feeling that way about myself.

I don't wanna work some dead-end job for a year while I "figure it out." I don't wanna do retail. I don't wanna be a waitress. I don't wanna work some no-growth 9-5. I really just want more for myself. Maybe too much.

Happy birthday month to me! Starting the month with 2 rejections!

Maybe in hindsight, this is a good/great thing. I'm over being a student. I'm not even a "good" student. I don't feel like I chose my graduate field for authentic reasons 100%.

idk idk idk,