No One Understands Why You Do Certain Things Even When You Know You’re Never Going to Get Anything Back.~ Shahul Hussain

It was easy to fall in love with my best friend. The countless nights spent on the couch spent talking until the sun came up. Mornings started with spontaneous breakfast at cozy diners, tucked way in a booth with an endless supply of coffee and inside jokes. Or the afternoons on the beach, voicing our dreams to each other and the clouds.

You might amount it to proximity, confused feelings of adolescence not quite sorted as we aged. But proximity would imply there was a solution to the aching feeling that planted itself in my chest. I tried to put distance between us. Pulling away from the casual physical affection and making myself less available. And each attempt lasted no longer than twenty-four hours.

People noticed; friends, family even strangers. “To be young and in love again. Just wait thirty years and wish you had time to go shopping together,” A woman once said, passing us in the grocery store. I seized, the arm around my shoulder suddenly feeling heavy. Stammering I opened and closed my mouth like a dehydrated fish. Not skipping a beat he spoke with a chuckle, “Let’s just hope she keeps me around that long.” Later that day I forced myself to laugh along when the moment was brushed away with a joke.

There was no one place I could pinpoint when I realized I had these feelings. I think they were planted the day we met twenty years ago, scuffed knees and dirty cheeks. With maturity and age the feeling blossoming to the more recognizable love sick ache.

Suck it up and say how you feel.

Timing. Every single time I convinced myself that I had the nerve to confess something always came up. Later I would realized that there were times that I was unconsciously rationalizing- making excuses- why I couldn’t do it. Everything got so complicated once we graduated high school. As much as I wanted it to be checking a box of whether you like-like me was no longer an option.

I was in a limbo of my own infatuation, false denial and hurt feelings. I hid behind painful smiles. I hated myself for believing a little girl’s unrequited crush had even the sliver of a chance to be something more.