That's pretty much how I've felt most of my life. While no one has ever actually said, "Grin and bear it" or just deal with it, I have always felt like I had to do that because more important things seem to come to the forefront with my family, which is understandable because there are some things that need an immediate attention sometimes (ie a family member died or bills have to be paid etc). And even when someone has asked me how I felt, I've often just shrugged and go, "I don't know." And that's the whole truth. I don't know how to feel about some things when someone asks me that? I'm good at expressing my feelings behind in a computer screen, but irl? Face to face, no, I can't. Because even I don't really feel people listen to others face to face, mainly because we all try avoiding conflict while some actively seek out conflict. Me? I try avoiding conflict whenever I can because no one's ever sat down and had a serious talk with me and considered my feelings, at least no one who isn't my aunt and uncle.
Yeah I know, that's gonna hurt some members of my family who think I was happy being around them but nope, I wasn't. I wasn't happy in Maryland. I've been trying to get away from Maryland for close to ten years tbh. Because I knew I was sinking into this stupid black hole called depression and I hated the feeling of being trapped. Even now, I'm still feeling trapped. All those times I went on the walks I did in Maryland at my grandpa, I would think to myself, "What if I walked off, what if I left everything behind? What would happen? Would my family realize I left the house? But by the end of those walks, Mibba, I just come back, I return to that black hole and sink myself into video games and whatever else made a good distraction (though working on stories has never felt like a distraction that was more of a therapeutic thing).
But yeah, I guess what I'm saying now because some people that know me IRL are gonna read this at some point, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling tired, putting on a mask (or an act?), and I'm tired of not feeling happy. Let's just say I can't remember the last time I was happy. I'm tired of putting other people before me like when I mentioned all those times I've had a (serious/heart-to-heart) talk with members of my family, I never know what to say or feel and maybe that came across as, "Leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you or have anything with you," to them. WHich in a way, yeah that is how I felt because I've never been able to voice my opinion on things even when people have asked for it (Please note I'm talking about stuff that happens irl not online because I know plenty of you have had heart-to-hearts with me via PMs before and know how I can be). I never knew how to handle those kinds of serious talks irl because it always felt like someone was cornering me and pressuring me into telling them what was going on with me and when I do talk, I end up crying out of confusion.
Part of me doesn't really trust certain members of my family with my feelings because in the rare chances that I do want to have a serious talk, I've had been given the turnaround or I've been yelled at, or just flat out ignored. It gets tiring trying to talk to someone who metaphorically plugs their ears up and refuses to acknowledge the heart of the matter, like what the real problem is. And when that happens, when I see someone dancing around the subject and not talk to me like how I'm trying to talk to them, in my mind I'm like, "Fuck it, you wanna play this game, then I will too,"
And yeah that's.. immature of me (in a way) but I don't have any fight left in. Now I'm at the point of, If you're gonna be turning everything into a joke and not be serious with me, then you're not worth talking to. Believe me, Mibba, I still care about lots of people in my life, both among my family and people I know from around, but I just want to find happiness for once and not care what other people are wanting of me (Of course I'm always gonna care about certain people in my life) but my rule in life is that you should treat people the way you want to be treated. Like if you throw a book at someone and call them names then they'll most likely return that action back at you. I mean that's just how it is, right?
Looking back at what I wrote in this blog, I can see that this is going to upset people, both online and offline, but right now, while I do care, and I do apologize, I'm not going to apologize for speaking my feelings, for wanting to finally cut a chunk of my depression away so I can finally be free. I've spent most of my life looking down in a metaphorical sense and as I kept my head down and avoid conflicted, all the expectations and needs of other people have been stacked upon my shoulders. Some of you or maybe a lot of you have probably seen me blow up a little on Mibba and maybe I needed that small moment to blow up.
I always find that after writing a blog where I pour my whole fucking heart out about what's bothering me, I feel better. I mean I'm probably not that much happier, but i feel less stressed out so that's what this long ass blog is all about. Me letting go almost twenty years of stress, depression (though I think depression didn't come to me until after high school), and just bottling up my feelings.
So, with that all said and done, sorry if this blog upsets anyone in my family or anyone on here, but at the same time, I'm not sorry. Anybody I know irl who want to talk about all of this? Call me, you know where to reach me but only if you're gonna be serious because i'm through trying to reach out. And to anyone on Mibba who might be put off by my blog, or who is worried about me, my inbox is open.
I just wanna tell everyone that you're all awesome, I Love you, and...
Anyways I'm ending this awkwardly long blog so here's to new changes and a new me. It'll take time for me to find this new me but I'm not worried. Why? Because change is always going to happen. It's part of life.