In Which Harper Rants About Life, Progress, and Being Outdone by Your Younger Self.

I am really trying to be okay with myself and my life right now and to not feel so defensive about both of those things.

Am I precisely where I want to be right now? No. Does the Friends theme song pop into my head at regular intervals? Of course. But am I ashamed of where I am and what I have accomplished? For the first time in my life, I can actually say no, I am proud of what I am doing. And I think maybe my younger self would be a little proud of me too.

I feel like I was really on the ball when I was seventeen. I shook off all of that angsty teenage bullshit, and I was just kind of happy and weird. I was so unapologetically me- my life wasn't awesome, but I think I was happier.
As I've gotten older though, I've become more self-conscious, less confident, more anxious, more likely to compare myself and my life to the standards of others. I hate that.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I don't want to leave my bed because I am embarrassed to show my face or feel like I have nothing to contribute and everyone would get on better without me.

Honestly, I have hit some real lows lately.

And I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of not feeling good enough, of not feeling joy, and most of all, of being angry.

So, basically, this is my point.

This year will see the successful completion of my first year of college, an accomplishment I learned to doubt would ever happen.
I have maintained a high GPA throughout all of my classes, and have earned honors for each semester.
I have left all of the bad relationships that used to control me.
And I have finally grown the balls to sell and promote my art and designs! I have been an online shop owner for a whole freakin' month now!
I have also been proactive about building my savings and preparing to move to University next fall.
(I am saving money by living at home while I complete my first two years of community college)

Basically, in not much time at all, my whole life is going to change, and everything I do now will make that change brighter and more successful.

I have to remind myself that I have made progress, that I am on a path and for the first time I like where it's going. I am trying to like myself again (for the first time?) and learn to be okay with who and what I am without needing to label or classify whatever that is.

And that's it, folks, my life isn't perfect, I am not perfect, but I am working and progressing, and one day soon my work is going to pay off. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

{My Instagram}