Friends

I will not say that I don't have friends. Because that will undermine all the friends I do have and that's unfair to them.

But... I don't have a friend whom I can positively say I can rely on.

And no. It's not them. I know I have a few close friends who would bend over backwards to help me if I ever get in trouble or need their help. I know those people are there for me. I'm not too ungrateful to not able to see that.

I can't rely on them because I can't. I, myself can't bring myself to talk to them about the real things that go in my head. I don't know how to reach out. I know they won't judge but at the same time I don't want them to think differently of my if they ever know what goes on in my mind.

I'm broken.

I don't want them to see me broken.

A few times I tried to open up and show some of them who I really am.

Those people always ended up leaving me and we turned into strangers.

It's sad.

Do you know that when I feel lonely at night and I wanna talk to someone. I don't have anyone to call? I don't even talk to my mom or my sister the way most people do. We are close but we don't really talk about feelings stuff.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I so messed up?

Fuck!