I Feel Like I Can Never Breathe

The title says it all, I feel like I can never breathe anymore.

My life has always been a series of events and once I get through those events, there’s a ton more to take their places.

Rinse and repeat.

What do I have going on currently?

I’ll start with the old:
*Mom still on drugs

*Sister still a total b*tch.

*I always wish I was dead but don't want to die and have extreme, extreme anxiety over dying and going to Hell.

*Shitty neighborhood with tons of guns. I’m always waiting to get shot.

*Too much anxiety to move out and this whole city is a hell-hole. It’s all trash and nowhere is really safe ever.

*Money troubles as always

*General parental family drama between my mom and dad. They are the reason I believe in divorce.

New Troubles:

*Above b*tchy sister is pregnant so now we have to hear her complain 1k times more plus we can’t understand because “You were only pregnant five months” (My mom’s pregnancy) and “You’re not pregnant” (regarding me, for obvious reasons)

*Plus sister is involved with a crappy guy (the future father) and I don’t understand either of them. They’re dysfunctional af.

*My sister is abusive and toxic and disgusting. She destroys furniture, has hit me before and goes into screaming fits over the most simple things. Plus she used to do pills pre-pregnancy and will probably do them again after. She wants to move out though but I’m not sure how that’s going to go considering her temp job ends next month and her baby’s bio father does not have a job.

*My dad had a triple bypass last month but he's still not doing well at all and his COPD/emphysema is acting up super hardcore and nothing can be done about it. I’m not sure how this will fair.

*Due to the above, he will probably be put on disability and until that kicks in, I’m the main money earner of the house. Minus selfish sister mentioned above.

*I don’t have any friends and I don’t care too much, I just feel so pathetic. I’m 27, I should have friends but I just...don’t. I used to have four super close online/semi IRL friends but I blew that all always almost two years ago.

*I'm just so tired.

I always feel like I’m constantly on alert, on watch, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for destruction, trying to predict if it may be an easier night to sleep through.

I can never relax, even when I’m not home, I’m thinking of home. There is no escape. My life is tied to this city and my family and I hate it so much. I’m trapped.
May 17th, 2019 at 03:58am