I Remember...

I remember the first time I met you, one to one, man I was so nervous. My palms were so sweaty I could feel myself losing grip from the steering wheel as I drove to yours. Welcomed with your warm eyes and kind embrace, beckoning me to open myself more freely to you as the time ticked by. You played your guitar for me, guess it could’ve been your go to move, but I wasn’t thinking anything of the kind at the time. You invited me to stay for dinner and I could feel our connection beginning to build.

I remember our first kiss, it was during one of those long talks that feels like it lasts a lifetime. Laid solemnly and peacefully, we spoke for hours on end about anything and everything, opening each other up to the core to find what lays deep inside and learn about each other. I looked up at you and you had this calm glaze spread across your eyes. You perched my head upward toward yours and kissed me gently. You said I had this doe-eyed look on my face, a sense of innocence, a cue of what I was too scared to do myself.

I remember the first time we did anything intimate, I felt myself go from innocent to carnal within seconds of the clothes shedding. My heartbeat felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest as I sought approval to ensure I was doing everything right. You guided me along all the while enjoying every pleasurable groan seeping from your mouth and through below. Once we finished, you seemed duped that I had never done anything of the sorts in the past, I reassured you and we tacked it down to natural talent.

I remember the first Christmas we spent together, I wasn’t expecting such a cherished and extravagant gift. In the past I would get whatever was cheap or whatever they could find last second at the shops; this time was different, I felt so warm and loved when you presented me this gorgeous trinket laying down above my heart. It has never left my neck whilst we’ve been together and never will.

I remember the fist time you took me on a mountain run. Stepping out of my realms and into yours for one night. I felt joy, fear, elation, the constant adrenaline ripping through my veins but most of all…I felt free. Soaring around in a world unbeknownst to my own. You made me feel at my safest and free whilst surrounded by danger.

I remember the first time I had a nightmare near you, I woke up in a panic, almost to the verge of tears and shaking. You immediately woke up, embraced me in your arms tightly and held me with hushed tones to bring me back to my slumber. Another first where I could finally feel safe. It felt like I finally had someone to look over me and care for how I was feeling.

I remember the first proper fight we had. It was as though my body went into a state of shock and I would never emerge back to reality. Frozen in the moment of hurt that lasted a lifetime until you held me in your arms where it felt safe and I could feel the world correcting itself beneath me. When we woke in the morning you made me delicious pancakes with a heart centred in my Nutella. You just knew how to make me feel like the only one who mattered in the world.

I remember our first Valentine’s Day, you weren’t one for celebrations on a subpar holiday yet you set that aside to make a special day just for me. It was my first proper Valentine’s Day; you made me a scrumptious breakfast, took out a card with the key word being I Love You, following a shiny trinket for my bracelet. Definitely one for the memorable times

I remember our first anniversary, we had work on the day of so we celebrated with breakfast the day before, you surprised me with my favourite flower, lillies. We stamped this milestone with one of our favourite things to do, a drive with coffee. We watched the sunrise through clear mountain and sat in serenity, embracing one another’s calm souls.

I remember when you left me…my heart felt painfully and physically ripped from chest. It felt like you had taken all the air from my lungs and replaced it with fire. I couldn’t find the words to describe the pain and the suffering my body and mind went through in the moment. I thought it was a terrible nightmare but it was only the beginning to the end. Every day was a unlimited stream of tears chasing down my face.

I remember the first time I thought I lost you forever, everything in my body just sank and I felt my life leaving my body to find my soul that was bound to yours. I needed to dig to find my true self once again but the fight seemed won already by my everlasting rabbit hole I call my depression.

I remember feeling lost, I remember feeling missing from myself, I remember feeling every scar, every knife wrenching moment where I just wanted to throw in the towel, give up and let myself go into another life somewhere else. But that wasn’t me.

I remember everything.
I try to remember almost nothing.
Everyday I am reminded of all the pain, the anguish, the love, the laughter, the fear, every feeling and every thought.
I remember. But do you?
May 25th, 2019 at 05:17pm