June 10, 2019 -- Drugs, Family; Perpetual Themes in My Life Thus Far

June 2019
I don’t even know the exact date. I think it’s the 10th, because tomorrow I have my appointment, which is on the 11th.

I love my boyfriend so, so dearly. He is seriously a special person, like one of a kind, like I don’t think there has ever been or ever will be again someone like him. I am so incredibly lucky to have a man like him.

I see so many boyfriends and husbands who are so awful to their girlfriends and wives and it baffles me. They criticize them, put them down, discourage them, and so many guys treat all women as sexual objects (and women do all of these things too).

This is all I ever experienced before I met my boyfriend as well, and I always figured that I would rather be alone than be with someone like that. And so that’s what I did. I was alone. Once I found God, though, and put myself out there…I met him within a month.

The more that I realize and observe other people the more that I realize how special he is and how special our relationship is. My boyfriend never puts me down, criticizes me, compares me -- he believes in true love, he was the one who told me I was his soulmate (although, I was the first one to say I love you! And I was very proud of myself for that). He is a real romantic; I guess you could say that with him, chivalry is not dead.

And that might just sound stupid, but if you actually know what chivalry is, maybe you’ll understand… Chivalry was a concept popularized in the medieval era with books about Sir Lancelot, romantic books about crushes and love and kissing and yeah, REAL romance like John Keats’ poems, contrasting to the primal pagan sex/jealousy/etc. that came before.

Perhaps that is what we have returned to in this satanic age. We have returned to the idea of loveless hedonism -- yet the average woman, and man, does not actually want this once they have it. Men wonder why women are so promiscuous, and women wonder the same. Well, once you throw the idea of true love out the window, that is what happens.

I don’t know where my mom is. All I know is that she is basically squatting in a house with her new boyfriend, a career criminal “junkie” who is much younger than her, an ex-best-friend of my uncle’s, who I watched Hey Arnold with as a 4-year-old. He was about 16 then and he had long black hair to his shoulders. He was the nicest of my uncle’s friends, but still not someone who I’d prefer my mother to be with. Especially since she has gone no contact with me.

I got into contact with my dad again. I’m glad. I really missed him; he and I are very close and I think it’s healthy for me to have a relationship with him. He and I are going to my appointment for my stomach tomorrow.

I was so diligent with this keto diet for the past week, and today I got so sick, so nauseous...that I drank Coke. And I chewed Dubble Bubble bubblegum. These are the two things that will soothe my stomach -- pure sugar. And with this ulcerative collitis, I can’t eat much. I had stopped taking my medicine for a few days and it triggered this. I have been working out and everything and it has been amazing. I am not going to stop.

I have an anxiety that I will, like all the other times, but this time I am not. Something just always happens with my health where I stop dieting. The other times it was because I had heart palpitations -- this time, I fixed that (it was lack of minerals which I supplement with sugarfree Powerades). I will get my stomach fixed, and I will stay on this diet.

My back still hurts. It is probably also sore because I did some weight training last night. It was so fun, though, my boyfriend (Ken) was teaching me how to use all of the machines. But I take these pills for it, and I always want more because it’s never enough, and I just fear that I will become an addict. People constantly warn that if you take these pills at all, you are basically *doomed* to be a junkie. I will never allow that to happen, yet it still sparks my anxiety.

Ken’s brother came over tonight. Since Ken moved out, he has changed a lot. He is a lot more confident, he made a lot of friends, he smokes weed and cigarettes. I really like him, but he is going down a bad road. Drugs around here are really bad. Maybe they are everywhere now, but they have always been around here.

Apparently, before I got here, Ken told him to find a Christian girl to be with and his brother said “but they all have morals and stuff,” as if that were a bad thing. It’s these kinds of things that truly repulse me! Even though I love his brother, I see him as my little brother too, that is a highly disturbing thing to say. This even illustrates how different Ken is from his own brother. It’s not necessarily his fault completely -- look at this culture. Ken was telling him the most important thing is love, which is really good...but still. Even knowing he said that, gave me anxiety.

We are going to his graduation on Thursday. I am glad to be there for him, and my boyfriend gets to take the day off. And, I get to dress up. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to wear yet. I’m going to look at the thrift store that I often source for my business tomorrow, but I may also wear another dress I have.

But, the bad part is, which seems much more glaring than the positive, that their parents will be there. His mother hates me, because I took Ken away from her and “tore their family apart.” At least Ken’s brother understands, and said that his plan is to just get as far away from them as possible…

And then, Wednesday, my little cousin will be coming to stay with my grandma and we will spend time together. Her mother ODed and died last Sunday. I was so, so upset by this that this is what led me to call my dad. I fear that my mom will share her fate. I am also so worried about my cousin, who I have always seen as a sister, if not like a daughter. I took care of her when she was a tiny infant, when I was only 10. I will always see her as the one who taught me to take care of a baby, to be like a mom.

I don’t know how to help her.

I have to wake up at 5-something to take my boyfriend to work so I can use the car for my appointment… it’s 1:30 right now. I’m basically fucked already. I can’t sleep. I keep feeling this raging anger and raging anxiety that is like a fucking car with no breaks. I don’t know why it’s gotten so unbearably horrible lately.

Since I have money from my business now, I do weird things like...shop. And buy myself things. Like clothes. Like earlier, I went out by myself when Ken’s brother first came over, to give them some alone time. I bought some food from Walmart, and then decided to go to Ross to look at their purses. I had noticed that the zipper on my purse had broken. So I ended up leaving Ross with a new bag, and a new workout shirt because I’m obsessed with cute workout clothes now. And I just bought myself a Kate Spade bathing suit yesterday. Shit.

And just a little while ago, while my boyfriend was holding me as he slept, I had that feeling well up in my chest -- the intense urge to write. It’s an irresistible urge that I was happy to have, and happy to fulfill. So here I am. And I plan to do it more often, as it is the best way to unravel anxieties.

These are the things weighing on my mind right now. I am a bundle of anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint why, when there are so many suspects.
June 11th, 2019 at 07:16am