10 Years, Honey, In Just One Night

Wow, this is awkward.

It's been nearly 10 years since I've logged into this account. I'm 25 years old now; 26 next month, in fact. I've just finished reading my old stories and blog posts. It's a real cringe fest, man, I can't lie.

Sixteen year old me was such a confused person. I didn't know what made me go. I wasn't completely sure what was an acceptable personality. So I tried my hardest to be unacceptable. In 10 years, I confronted that confusion head on. It lead me down a path of deep unbridled depression that was- in truth- always there in one form or another, be it rage, anorexia, or self-harm. I tried to cope with adderall and cocaine. I tried to cope with sex. Finally, I realized those things didn't help me feel anything. I had to find a way to face my problems personally.

I started by telling all of my sexual partners to fuck off, although with nicer words. I kicked the uppers and stuck with coffee and grass. I started writing in my journal daily. I spent my nights at home, doing the one thing I've always loved to do above everything else. I watched movies by myself. At first, the loneliness was crippling. There are pages upon pages written in my journals detailing the spiraling abyss I felt at being so fucking alone. How I kept so much love and affection in the center of my torso and had nowhere to apply it. I started painting and painting, although that started during the coke benders. But before long, I realized that I knew who I was when no one was around. I could finally introduce me to me.

"Hello. My name is Roxi. I'm hyper-critical when watching movies and I have harmless delusions about what year it is. I have a hard time asking for help because my family was poor when I was a child. I've been repeating lines from movies in conversation because that's the best way to fool others into believing I'm a functioning person, socially. I love dogs more than cats, but cats are still pretty cool."

After a couple months, I grew to really enjoy who I am. I could make myself laugh (although I sometimes laugh at my own jokes for too long). I pulled myself out of a pit of black tar and dusted myself off as an adult. I'm more of a painter than a writer now. I still enjoy writing, but most of my pieces lately have been poetry. I still love dreaming up fantasy stories for all of my favorite movies.

So, after ten years and one nervous breakdown, I think I'm ready to get back to my fanfiction. I've been knocking around the idea of re-writing WAYL? and For You, with a better vocabulary and a MUCH better idea of how the world works. Like, really, who gave me permission to write sex scenes at 16 years old? I had no fucking clue what I was talking about. With that, I can refine, refine, refine the story that had become so popular back when I first wrote it. Not to mention with the new Joker flick coming out, it's a great time to get back in the game. Could you believe when I first posted WAYL? on quizilla about a hundred years ago, I had well over 2,000 readers? I could do that again, no problem, man. And with 150% less cringe.

We'll meet again in the near future, dear reader. And again soon after.