Life......And What Not

I sporadically come on here. Life has been a whirlwind of emotions, love, loss, switching jobs, and the like. I used to love this site and the friends that I have made on here has been amazing. I sometimes wish that I could back and live in the past. The past where I get like I had everything and I was happy with myself. The love of writing has gone away and I just can't get myself motivated to take care of my health. It's like something had changed and I feel like it's been since I moved to the state that I am in.

Back in 2013 I met someone on here and we fell in love. I went to visit her the same year and ended up moving down here in April of 2014. We were together for five year and, yes, it was great in the beginning but I found myself getting miserable. I felt like I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship. It's easy to write how you would act and be with someone, but when it comes to showing it...it was hard. I'm not saying that I was perfect but holding hands and just being loving with each other wasn't happening. It was always one excuse after the other. I get that she was afraid because of us both being female but I hated feeling like I was being a secret. She would always tell me that no one needed to know her business.

Now we both are in different relationships, I am very happy but I can't seem to let go of her facebook. It is detrimental because I keep comparing the relationship she has now to what we had. She is very open with her new boyfriend. Even changing her relationship status to being with him, whereas she never did that with me. It was something that upset me and yes it is frivolous to be upset about it but hey it was my first relationship outside of a computer. Maybe I was expecting too much and yes I wanted to be a secret until I could tell my mom and dad but after that I wanted to be open. Both our families knew so I didn't care, but she did.

Now I am on my own living with my fiancé and working two jobs just to live. I sometimes think about what I had with her and wonder if I was someone to hide or maybe I was someone not to be proud of. Yes it's a real kick to my ego and self-esteem which I haven't had either of them.

I just needed to get this out as it was driving me crazy. I keep dwelling on it and letting it rule my emotions. I try not to because I shouldn't but it's the type of person I am. I dwell on everything and always think that maybe I should have been better. We were together for five years and I thought it was my forever, but I should have known that I didn't get it right.

Anyways, how is everyone?