Is that how I used to greet people here? Eh, it's been a hot minute so I can't be sure.
I have had... a lot of things to juggle and I can't tell if I am handling it well, or not handling with well at all. Mostly I have been kinda... numb?
TL;DR.... 2020 is already beating my ass.
I hadn't psyched myself out with crazy New Year Resolutions or said to myself this is going to be MY year! or anything like that (though I passively hoped for a good year *shrug*) but oomph, boy oh boy.
Today I was kinda reeling and kinda having a quiet meltdown (which is something that is becoming regular) so I wanted to sit down and write a list of things that were bothering me. It's just... how I tackle problems. Make a list, and attack from the top. And I knew writing it here and publishing here is as close to "shouting into the void" as I can get... I like the anonymity just the open space to just...vent.
So. My list of things that have been weighing on me so far in 2020.
My grandmother died. 1/8/20
-I keep telling myself "At least I got to see her one more time..." when I visited her in May 2019. And I had been trying for the last couple months to both save up for another trip while also readied? resolved? myself into accepting that I may have just seen my grandparents for the last time in person. But shit.... this is no joke. And it's not like the movies where you have a meltdown once and things start getting better. It's been constant and the weight of it gets heavier and heavier. This event has forced me to think about other things I had not wanted to think about and I can't help but think time is just running out...
It didn't help that I didn't have enough money to return overseas to her funeral. I hate myself for that.
Finances
-Not to make excuses but I have been struggling with money. My current loan payments for schooling is costing me roughly $600 a month. And starting last August, I have been dealing with health issues. To this day, I have no idea what is wrong with me, and I am already a couple of thousands of dollars into test fees, medications, doctors/ER visits, specialists...etc. I even got a bill totaling to $700...on Christmas Eve.
Health/Medical
-This also kinda bleeds from the previous point but this has been stressful. From what I can tell I have these flare-ups where it looks like some sort of allergic reaction with hives and swelling, but the problem is I don't know what the trigger/allergen is. So I can't avoid whatever is making me sick without knowing what it is. And I just had a second flare-up. I don't know if this is just my luck or a hint but it happened the same day I was notified of my grandmother's passing. So acute stress might also play a role? This most recent flare-up (IDK what else to call it) scared me because the symptoms came on much quicker.
Job
-So my current job, I have been with the company for about a year and a half. And my boss has gone from the best boss ever to the worst. She used to be someone who worked hard, took time to listen to her team members and also doing the job right to just not caring at all. She schedules the week so she takes the days off on our hardest and most demanding days, even if it means leaving the team short a person. Her actions have become hypocritical, but if even remotely questioned about it she becomes defensive and rather snappy. So I am currently looking for a new job. Earlier last week I sent her a text stating clearly that going forward I was not going to do a certain task (one that wasn't safe and it put me and other coworkers at risk) because I felt uncomfortable and she didn't receive it well.
The problem is not just her. People on this team use me and take advantage of the fact that I do things in a timely fashion as I don't like to leave things to last minute. That lead to the team pushing some managerial jobs onto me, and I have people even demand that I do certain things, like giving them a ride home. I hate that I am such a push-over. But I am constantly the last person on the team to make it home...
Recertification
-I am due for recertification for my job certifications and licensing. That on its own is stressful, nevermind having to do it with all of the above going on.
...sidenote; isn't it too early for such lists to be existing?-I keep telling myself "At least I got to see her one more time..." when I visited her in May 2019. And I had been trying for the last couple months to both save up for another trip while also readied? resolved? myself into accepting that I may have just seen my grandparents for the last time in person. But shit.... this is no joke. And it's not like the movies where you have a meltdown once and things start getting better. It's been constant and the weight of it gets heavier and heavier. This event has forced me to think about other things I had not wanted to think about and I can't help but think time is just running out...
It didn't help that I didn't have enough money to return overseas to her funeral. I hate myself for that.
Finances
-Not to make excuses but I have been struggling with money. My current loan payments for schooling is costing me roughly $600 a month. And starting last August, I have been dealing with health issues. To this day, I have no idea what is wrong with me, and I am already a couple of thousands of dollars into test fees, medications, doctors/ER visits, specialists...etc. I even got a bill totaling to $700...on Christmas Eve.
Health/Medical
-This also kinda bleeds from the previous point but this has been stressful. From what I can tell I have these flare-ups where it looks like some sort of allergic reaction with hives and swelling, but the problem is I don't know what the trigger/allergen is. So I can't avoid whatever is making me sick without knowing what it is. And I just had a second flare-up. I don't know if this is just my luck or a hint but it happened the same day I was notified of my grandmother's passing. So acute stress might also play a role? This most recent flare-up (IDK what else to call it) scared me because the symptoms came on much quicker.
Job
-So my current job, I have been with the company for about a year and a half. And my boss has gone from the best boss ever to the worst. She used to be someone who worked hard, took time to listen to her team members and also doing the job right to just not caring at all. She schedules the week so she takes the days off on our hardest and most demanding days, even if it means leaving the team short a person. Her actions have become hypocritical, but if even remotely questioned about it she becomes defensive and rather snappy. So I am currently looking for a new job. Earlier last week I sent her a text stating clearly that going forward I was not going to do a certain task (one that wasn't safe and it put me and other coworkers at risk) because I felt uncomfortable and she didn't receive it well.
The problem is not just her. People on this team use me and take advantage of the fact that I do things in a timely fashion as I don't like to leave things to last minute. That lead to the team pushing some managerial jobs onto me, and I have people even demand that I do certain things, like giving them a ride home. I hate that I am such a push-over. But I am constantly the last person on the team to make it home...
Recertification
-I am due for recertification for my job certifications and licensing. That on its own is stressful, nevermind having to do it with all of the above going on.
Anyways, yea... I haven't even told my closest friends about any of this. In fact, I think they might think I am dead because I haven't chatted with them in almost a month. Who knows. Part of my brain is all like "They probably think you are acting fucking extra and dramatic and they don't have time for your fucking bullshit." and even "You haven't reached out in like a month, they haven't either. They don't give a shit about you."
Rationally I know they are really busy people going out into the world and slaying the game. And also, I know for one of my good friends, she has had a lot of great things happening for her and she is absolutely deserving of all the happy things she is experiencing. (I mean, at least it was all happy things when I last chatted...shit I really need to check back in with my friends.)
It makes me feel like an ass that I haven't talked to them... but I don't think I have it in me to sit there and listen. That sounds bad but I have been in a Debbie-downer phase for like a month now, and I don't want to weigh them down. Or like have them feel like they have to set aside their moments of happiness to tend to me when they deserve every second of happiness/wins/achievements they have coming.
writing it all down made me feel better. I think I'm down for now.