It's True

I come here from time to time to read my own posts so I can get sense of who I was and if I've changed at all. Truth is, I haven't. If anything, everything is more compact and amplified.

Within a decade or so, I've accomplished something and nothing at the same time. I'm still in the same place, feeling the same way, and being the same person. Sometimes I fear it will always be like this and that I'll never have the chance to travel or be happy or, hell, even be who I aspire to be, which is a successful artist whom has mastered her craft and inspired a handful of people to do what they love no matter what.

My triumphs consist of being published, and respected as an artist by those around me whom admire my art. Other accomplishments consist of me pushing myself through the deepest and lowest points in my life or even the most complicated and stressful periods. Smaller victories is me sticking up for myself, learning to say no, make my voice heard, or even managing my depression so I don't have to go to the hospital again.

However life gets pretty tough on a more personal level. I fight with my partner all the time it's almost sad and pathetic we can't let go of this toxic relationship. I don't have the greatest connection with my immediate family let alone my extended family. The handful of friends have moved on to better jobs, better places, and we don't even see each other anymore. Some I've even lost contact with altogether because there was no point in being friends at all; we were toxic to each other... or maybe it's all just me. Broken me. Broken me who cannot have a stable network of people in my life or in my career.

The instability feeds to my unstable personal happiness, which is killing me slowly. I wasn't aware of how angry I was until I started going to counseling about six years ago Truth is, I just cannot stop being angry anymore. I've had it bottled up for so long that its been over a year now where I find myself so angry at almost anything and anymore and I don't know how to stop myself. Its part of the reason my partner and I fight so much. I've lost patience with everyone and everything. All of this anger transgresses everywhere I go: my love life, my family, my workplace.

It makes me want to isolate myself just so I stop hurting everyone and stop hurting myself. But I can't live in hiding when I have to take care of myself. So I get dressed each morning, go to a place I don't enjoy working for just to make a living to pay for my debts and bills, go home to unwind and be disappointed again that I didn't get to do what makes me happy, sleep, then repeat. This life is bullshit. I'm bullshit. It's true. I'm still the same kind of depressed person I was ten years ago, just more compact and complicated.