Brain Dump

I've been trying desperately to find the focus to sit down and really start working on this new story I want to start. I mean, it should be easy since it's all based on my life after all. I did start a google docs where I've essentially just been brain dumping. I haven't written in so long and I feel as though my technique has most certainly changed. I used to just write and write and write and then post. I barely edited anything. Now, I can barely figure out how to put two paragraphs together. I'm definitely out of touch. I'm going to continue to brain dump until I feel as though I have a substantial about of work to piece together in the editing process.

The piece I've been working on is extremely emotional for me as it is about my grandfather's passing. He passed about 11 years ago and that's kind of where I'm starting this story off since that's when my life absolutely flipped on its head. Trying to get through even just a few sentences without crying can be difficult but it's a trauma that I haven't fully dealt with yet and I feel like revisiting those memories and those feelings is helping me push past it. Depression has ruled my life for about as long as he's been gone and my medications have certainly helped a lot. But I almost feel as though they've been masking the dark parts of my brain that I don't want to deal with instead of helping me get past it. Being in isolation has felt all too much like how my life was in high school when my depression was at its absolute worst, and I think that's why I need to start this brain dump now. I need these feelings and thoughts on paper so I can look back at them and so other people can read them. My goal is most definitely to help other people by sharing my story but I'm also trying to help myself.

I'm sorry if this blog post doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I think I'm still brain dumping or just doing some conscious thought free writing and letting my brain run wild.