Depression.

this post is not easy for me. it's just not an easy topic to discuss in general, but it's been on my mind and i think that i need to talk or post about it and that is depression. i feel like depression is such a stigma. like if you even mention the word, everyone looks at you like you've got a big fat D in the middle of your forehead or they just assume that you're crazy and unstable and need to be “put away.” over the last month + a few days, i've really been battling with my own depression. it hasn't hit this hard in years. i've had fits or phases or whatever you want to call them since as long as i can remember, but this has been a little different. i've been avoiding friends, family members and the things i love the most: reading, writing, drawing. i just don't have the emotional energy that i usually feel within myself when i do those things. it's like my wires have been crossed with someone else's and we're quite untangled and can't get free. i've been told a lot of things over the years: "get over it," "stop being lazy," and my favorite, "depression isn't real." if depression isn't "real" then why have i fallen in the shower, crying because i was suddenly overcome with these feelings of dread and just nothingness? or having your desire to live stripped away and replaced with thoughts that you're just not needed and the world and everyone in it would be better off without you? imagine someone saying the anguish you're experiencing is something that you made up. and of course i have always been told the other usual “go-to” fixes, like "get some fresh air," "get some exercise," "change your diet," etc etc. but if i do those things, i'm just getting fresh air while being depressed. i have great friends, an amazing family, a wonderful boyfriend with a little boy who brings light when there is none, and a good job... which brings on another feeling entirely and that is guilt. i have been feeling guilty for not being able to just be OK. i wish i could be able to just *turn it off* but a diabetic isn't weak for needing insulin and i'm not weak for being "sad." i doubt myself a lot. is my writing good enough? am i a good friend? am i a good daughter? am i mother material? will today be the day that i wake up feeling "normal?" i guess the whole point of all of this is that: i'm not alone and i know that. and if you're reading this and you're feeling the same way, you're not alone either. every day we either fight ourselves, insisting that we're "better" "normal" what-have-you, or we can grow and accept that we're not. and guess what? that's perfectly okay too. but what’s not okay, is silence. if you’re feeling any of the above feelings, but feel like you have no one to talk to… my inbox is always open, because i know i've been needing others a lot lately. and i appreciate those who have reached out. it means a lot.