Thoughts about Covid and Things

I know there are still a lot of problems with the site and people leaving. But I kind of needed a place to talk about things. At least in regards to my writing and why my updates have come to a screeching halt.

My grandma died a few days ago. She died from Covid. She was really paranoid about the virus all year. My grandpa had to go through chemo this summer and she was obviously worried about bringing that home. But she was a hairstylist and very much an extrovert. She was in and out of work all year and really upset about it. She loved to work. And then she was invited to a salon Christmas party the week before Christmas. My sister begged her not to go but she went anyway.

And now she's dead.

It's a different kind of grief. Grief is hard anyway but this is something new. I've lost people in different ways but this death feels wrong. I feel like I've been robbed. My entire family has. This shouldn't have happened. I'm angry that she's gone. I'm angry that she went to that party. I'm angry that they even threw the fucking party. And I'm angry that people are still telling me to my face that this isn't real. That it's a hoax or a conspiracy. That wearing a mask is a matter of political opinion. I'm angry that she was alive and lucid in the hospital for two weeks and I never had a chance to say goodbye to her. The hospitals are so overworked and busy that they couldn't make time for us to say goodbye. She died alone. My grandpa just barely beat cancer and Covid made him a little tired and that's it. And now he's alone. He lost the love of his life.

You know how in Peter Pan they talk about how fairies are only capable of holding onto one emotion at a time? Because emotions are so big and their bodies are so small. That's what I feel like. Just overflowing with so many different feelings. I've never had all of this all at once. It still feels wrong. It doesn't feel real. I feel numb today. But not in a functional way. In that slightly unhinged way. Like this is clearly a person who is unwell and barely balancing the line between functioning and completely falling apart.

I don't know. I obviously haven't been writing. I want to because it helps me escape. But every time I work on something, I just think it's awful. My sister sent me a tiktok about someone who talked about how she refuses to read anything in first person. And maybe I'm overthinking it. I have hella depression anyway but it just got to me. Like everything I write is garbage. Not worth reading. I should just take it all down.

But you know, obviously, I don't actually feel that way. I've been rereading a lot of my stuff instead of writing and it's been helping me a lot.

So I don't know. I'm obviously just going through some stuff. But I don't think I'll be updating anytime soon. I think I just need some time to kind of deal with all these feelings before I worry about it again.

So yeah that's my update, I guess. I hope everyone is well and staying safe.