I decided today that I needed something else to write whats going on in my life other then my notebook. For some reason, I thought things would perhaps feel more real to me if people read what was going on.
So perhaps I'll give you an account of last nights antics...the time is 3:15 on a Friday night, I can't imagine what I was doing this time last night.
So I have this friend. We have been going out partying and abusing our bodies for roughly 3 months now. We all went to parties and that...but ever since we've got together it has been non stop and pretty unbarable yet the best time of my life.
My friend and I go to see some guys we met on a drunken night out at the beginnning of September. They're in band and have a gig in one of the many venues we always visit. We meet the guys and go and sit in the back of their van filled with matresses and sleeping bags, ultimate comfort! My friend and I sit down and listen to the guys either practise or sing the libertines while we all drank beer, smoked and listend to the rain hitting the top of the van.
My friend and I go to buy more beers get back and see the band perform. They're very talented and have really good music, they just need to market themselves properly. I'm quite drunk by this time and begin to zone out whilst watching the band...thinking of the person that I am ever so in love with and have been for six months now, ever since the moment I saw him.
I appear to have zoned out so much in a drunken haze that I appear to have missed a lot of the gig. I don't mind though, it's a regular occurance with me to zone out whilst thinking on him. Standing outside in the rain I take cigarette after cigarette from people as I feel myself becoming drunker and drunker. This is my second night out in a row.
We begin to walk down the street, two of the guys from the band, two guys from another band and a few other people. I'm slightly confused and I'm not too sure where we're going so I just walk with everyone expecting the night to become something special as it usually does.
A few of the boys stop off to pick up some E and Cocaine. I get speaking to one of the men from the band I didn't get to see perform. He's from Newcastle and I notice he's wearing the exact same coat as me, I ask him where he got it and he told me Topman...yes that's right, mine was from Topshop. We seemed to hit it off straight away. We all got on the bus and whilst on there I spoke to the guy with my coat about my friend who was also from Newcastle and we just spoke and spoke and spoke, yet I'm sure that's a lot eaiser when you're drunk.
So we get off the bus and start to walk up to a pub. Everyone stops off to buy more alcahol and whilst outside I have a bit of a cuddle with the guy, we share the smallest of kisses and he asks me if I'm a "giggly" girl. I say I am and I find out he's quite a bit older then me. On the way to the pub we drink more and I'm pretty gone by the time we get there.
The pub was shut but someone who we went with lived abover the pub so we were all let in for a lock in. Free booze all night and able to smoke at your leisure in a pub..just like the old days! I go and sit on a sofa next to the guy and we have another conversation over a few beers when we begin to kiss quite a lot. We walk over to the other side of the pub where we'd be alone and the kissing becomes more and more intense. He begins to wisper in my ear that he wants to "fuck" me. I'm so gone at this stage I say okay and we go into the toilets.
I don't think I need to mention anymore apart from the fact that he was impressed I had condoms and as we were coming out of the cubical my friend walks in and sees us. I just shut my eyes and look in the mirror. I look a fucking mess. I walk back into the pub where no one would realise how bad I look. I sit down and take one of my guys cigarettes and one of his beers and think about the person I'm in love with. I also sit there and think "Kim, why?"
I hear my friend telling some people next to us how much of a slag I am. It really really hurts when you think someone is supposed to be your best friend and says such mean things about you without even caring about any of your feelings. I didn't regret what I had done, I just felt mad at them.
My guy comes over to me with some drinks and I find out that his name is the same name of my boyfriend that I went out with for 2 1/2 years and my name was the name of his girlfriend of 15months...and we shared the same birthday. It was quite odd and we got on like a house on fire, speaking about relationships and just having a general laugh with one another.
I have a few more drinks and everyone heads up to the house above the pub. The people that live there I find out are quite a famous band in England at the moment so it was pretty sereal. I was extreamly confused and I trying to find my way around but everywhere was so so messy that I had to go and sit in the front room. There's a huge bed in there and I sit on it next to my guy. I'm handed another drink and I down it in one. He pushed me down on the bed and was kissing me non stop, really deep heavy kisses.
I began to think of the one I love. I knew that I didn't want to kiss this guy any more so I thought a good diversion would be to get sick. I tell him I need to loo and he mutters something to me about choosing my moments. I walk out the room past the television blasting "The Doors" DVD.
I walk straight into the bathroom and I have a look around, the toilet water is brown and nothing had been washed in there in a long time. As I looked around the bathroom I had no immidiate desire to be sick. I just found it funny is that when someone is finished with something why they can't simply through it in the bin.
I sit on the toilet and take to my usual routine of what I do when I begin to miss the one I love so much that my chest begins to ache. I put my head in my hands for 5minutes and say their name over and over again in the hope that perhaps something might come of it. I though myself down onto the grotty bathroom floor and put my fingers down my throaght.
When I come out the bathroom I realise that my friend has left the house and I was supposed to be staying with them. I feel pretty damn angry. I go back into the front room and take my things. I down another drink and tell everyone that I'm leaving. I give my guy a hug and a tiny kiss, perhaps he smelt sick on me.
I walked downstairs and one of the guys from the band I know is there, he tells me to come out tomorrow night. I tell him I doubt it. I step outside into the cold night. Everything is so still, I'm extreamly drunk, in the middle of the night with no where to go. I wander down the street. A friend of mine has always told me to call them if ever I'm in trouble when I'm out, so I phone them.
I woke him. I don't think he was best pleased. He told me to go home and I knew it was impossible. He told me to try my sister and I couldn't. He said I was crazy and needed to stop these acts of "self harm" he called it and "self distruction". We argued and I ended up hanging up on him.
I ended up back at my friends house somehow with her mum threatening to phone the police. I go upstairs and get changed. My friend comes into the room and we speak. She tells me that she said the things she said because she was angry, but I can't understand why. I tell them it doesn't matter and that it's said and done but really I'm extreamly hurt. They pick up on this and then tell me that it was stupid of them to say it and they were sorry. I accept but I'm still upset.
I try and get some sleep but it appears damn right impossible by the fact that I got into bed when it was light outside, I keep having terrible dreams that wake me every few minutes and I'm sweating all over. I go into the bathroom at 7 this morning and I can't stand up, it absolutely killed me to go to the toilet. My guy had been extreamly rough with me.
I met up with one of my closest friends today and told them what had happened. They said that they would tell the one that I love if I carried on. Everyone is now extreamly worried about me. I've taken so many drugs, drinking almost every night and I'm never home. My friend says that everyone is concerned about me, I hate people being like that around me. It's very frustrating.
Hows that for a first entry!?
An average Thursday night?
October 27th, 2007 at 11:05am