Dear Depression

Dear Depression,

Allow me to start this letter to you by thanking you. Yes, there are days that you beat me down. There are days when you get too much for me to handle. Days where I don't want to get out of bed, or even live anymore. You have pushed me, for so many years, whispering words of encouragement to end it all. Telling me that it could be painless, like falling asleep. You tell me that the world would be a better place without me, that everyone would be happier if I was no longer around to burden them. But that's why I want to thank you. Because you've shown me that I'm so much stronger than you'll ever be. You've given me strength.

For so many years, I would wake up and tell myself, "Today's the day I'm gonna end my life." All because of you. For so many years, and even to this day, you still whisper in my ear. Promise me that death would be easy, painless, and freeing. That it would be best for everyone if I were to just disappear and become another statistic. But I never did. Because I was, and I am, stronger than you. I found something to live for every day. I still find something to live for. I found a reason to live in everything I do. All because I wanted to prove to you that I could beat you. And I have, just as I continue to do every day.

I still wake up some days, and ask myself, "Why bother?" But then, I look at my children, my beautiful children, and realize that they're my reason. They've given me every ounce of happiness, and stress, I've ever needed. They take my breath away with how much I love them. They fill my heart and make my soul sing with how much they love me. Even when I feel I don't deserve their love. When I lost my first baby, you latched onto me like your very existence depended on it. You promised me a release from that pain and torment. That absolute soul shattering pain I felt. But I pushed you aside and wallowed in my grief without your empty promises. And then, my Samantha came along. She shoved you to the darkest crevices of my mind and heart. She is a shining beacon of hope for me. A light to chase away the darkness of you.

You came back, of course. You always fucking do. You siphoned all of my energy when I was pregnant with Jason. And though he's my little ray of sunshine, you still managed to make yourself known after he was born. That was the first time I ever spoke to a doctor about you. When I told her about you, and she looked at me, it was as though she could see you. You, the darkness that has latched onto me and leached off of me for so many years. It got better, with time. But again, you always come back.

Henry was different. I had my moments where you were so much stronger than both of us combined. But there were other moments. Moments of pure joy and hope. All because of him and his siblings. And after he was born, you came back with a fucking vengeance. You tore at the walls of my mind and soul, shattering them to nothing but rubble. And no matter how many times I tried to pick up the pieces, and put them back together, you came through like a fucking tornado in a trailer park. You'd shatter me once again, and laugh at my feeble attempts to build myself back up.

For so many years, you were like a fur coat to me. You were compiled of so many things that had died inside of me. My happiness, my childhood, my love, my heart, my self preservation, and my will to live. But you were a comfort to me, in some small way. You were a wall that I would hide behind, or a mask to wear in front of others. You were so good at just playing the part, pulling my strings like a puppeteer and I was your Marionette. Fuck, I still am some days. You taught me how to fake a smile or a laugh. How to hide my pain behind false joy. You taught me how to lie, better than anyone. But in the end, I still won.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting you, tooth and nail, every fucking day. When you try, so desperately, to entice me to end it all, I laugh. I laugh in your face, flip the bird, and tell you to kiss my sexy Greek ass. When you whisper words of self doubt, I shake you away. I am now my own hype man. When you try to force yourself onto me, I fight back. Because I will never go down without a fight. Not against you. Never again will I let you win. You've already forced my hand once, for so many years. When you whispered in my ear promises that I could control my own pain. You lied to me. So fuck you, I won!

I will continue to win every fucking day. I will continue to beat you back, and lock you away. And when the chains shatter, I'll still be there. I'm not that weak child any longer. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not so easily broken any longer. You want to win that badly, you had better be prepared for the fight of your fucking life. Because I will continue fighting, every fucking day for the rest of my life. I will fight you with every ounce of strength I have. Fuck you, for taking so much from me. Taking away so many years of happiness and joy. Fuck you for taking advantage of me. Fuck you for scarring my body and mutilating me. Fuck you for tormenting me.

I am so much fucking stronger than you will ever be. I have beat you, time and time again. And I will fucking continue beating you, every day. So, thank you. Thank you for giving me the strength I needed to beat you and fight back. Thank you for making me strong. Thank you.

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To anyone struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please know, you are NEVER alone. There is help. There are people that love you and care about and would be devastated without you. 800-273-8255. That's the free number for the suicide prevention hotline. If you, or someone you know, is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call this number. Reach out to that person, just to let them know that you care and that you are there for them. Depression and suicide is not a joke or a made up illness for attention. It is very real. You are loved and valued have worth. And if no one has told you that, then I will. I love you. I value you. You are worthy.
May 6th, 2022 at 08:01pm