I Miss Writing Blogs

I keep getting comments on super old blogs. Pretty sure there's still something wrong with the blogs and honestly it's a miracle anyone is commenting at all. I haven't seen a single person on here in months. Myself included. So I decided to go through those old blogs and just get rid of the ones I don't really want to keep.

And I just miss it. I miss being able to update people and talk about the things going on in my life. I don't really have a way to express that anymore. I've kind of dumped Tumblr too and I'm not super active on Tik Tok (I use it mostly for art anyway). So there's just no real place to do that anymore.

And I know that no one is going to read this blog anyway. But like--I just miss being able to express those things. I was rereading some older blogs and reminiscing on the things I'd forgotten about. Looking back at how bitter and angry I was a lot. I used the blogs to rant a lot. There's a lot of grief in them.

But like damn. Being able to go back and look at that through a different lens is insane.

So update?

I got that job at my local newspaper. I wrote a blog about it (which I've deleted). And that job ended up being awful. It was good for a few months and then my boss decided to retire. She initially asked if I wanted to take over her position. But I said no. 1. Because I didn't think I was capable of handling it. But the main reason is because it would require me to be on call from 2am-8am on publication days. 4 days a week. Which may require me to hurry into the building or drive up to a different town during the night. Which I can't do since I have a young child at home. She said she understood and she'd tell them to look for someone else.

And they didn't.

I started getting this bad feeling when she started training me to do a lot of her tasks. But she said it was because they were dragging their feet to hire a replacement for her and she just wanted to make sure at least one of us knew how to do it. I reminded her that I can't be on call in the mornings and she said I wouldn't have to.

And then three days before her last day, the big boss pulled me into a back office and handed me a four-page list of tasks that were now mine. When I pointed out that I wasn't trained for any of them, he said "Well you have three days to learn so start asking questions." One of those tasks was, of course, that I was now required to be on call in early mornings. When I tried to protest, he immediately shut me down, jumped down my throat, and said "I've been in this business for twenty years and this is just how it's done so get used to it!" I never even got to explain why I couldn't.

I realize now, after the fact, that none of them considered that I'm the single parent of a minor child. All of them have adult children and none of them wanted to do it because they didn't want to lose their weekends and waking up at 2am is an inconvenience. It was not an inconvenience to me, it's a whole ordeal. There's just no way I'm leaving my kid home alone at 2am to drive three towns away. Especially on a school night. Especially in the middle of winter. And they just thought I was being a brat about it. Instead of like panicking about having to find last-minute child care at 2am on a weeknight.

That was the day I decided I had to find a different job. That was also the day I found out the library I had to leave and missed so much was looking for a full-time employee. I never would have left if that had been an option before. But one of my full-time coworkers got a new job and left so they had an opening.

And they gave it to me! So I've been back about 4 weeks now and I've just been so--happy? Like I know I still have depression and it'll come back eventually. It reared it's ugly head again a few days ago and I was an emotional wreck. But idk once I cried it all out, I was fine. And for the past few days I've felt really good. Like energized and just--okay. Like I have $0 in my bank account until Friday and not a lot of food to eat but I just feel okay. I'm going to be fine. My needs are being met. I'm enjoying a rare three day weekend. I'm not sad and I'm not happy. I'm just perfectly fine. And it's not something I'm used to. I'm sure my depression will come back again eventually. But I'm in a much better place mentally. I'm taking care of myself. Optimistic for once.

As for my writing, I actually have been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot again. Just enjoying myself. Making art. I just have no real desire to update anymore. And I don't really know what the issue is. Just that I don't enjoy it. I still want to get my stories out there but I'm kind of leaning toward self-publishing and just being done with it. Idk what to do. I know it's unlikely anyone will respond with advice but I just don't care enough to update anymore. I want those stories out there but the act of updating is just blah to me.

I'm not giving it up. And after writing this blog, I think I'll update a few things. But I'm just not overworking myself. Not pushing myself if I just don't feel like it. And that's been really--liberating? Idk. It's been great. I'll probably update soon but I think Mibba is dead anyway. So I might just be calling it quits and moving onto greener pastures I guess. We'll see. I don't want to give up on Mibba just yet because I have a lot of fond memories of this site. But I don't see the point in updating in a place no one is ever going to visit, you know?

So if you're still here and if you bothered to read all this, hello. How are you? Have you read anything good recently? I just finished the Plated Prisoner series. But I've been obsessed with ACOTAR for the past few months. So it's basically my entire personality now. I'm making all my coworkers at the library read it so I can have someone to talk to about it. Haha. Anyway, have a good day!