I havn't done my english homework and I'm here writing this because I feel like pure shit. I've realised that suddenly the regular depression of being absolutely hopeless every single night has come back full force.
I sat there tonight muttering under my breath "let me go". I don't really no what I meant but it seems appropriate for me considering it's what I always tend to think when I feel like this.
Let me go
Let me go
Let me go
LET ME GO!
It usually just makes me cry though if I'm honest. And now I don't know what to do. I'm at a loose fucking end and I feel like a zombie walking around all day because all I can ever think of is him and it's so annoying.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Just imagining myself sitting on a couch or something and him sitting on the floor in front of me with his back to me and me stroking his hair. Then I just think about my hands going across his face and one hand holding his nose, the other over his mouth. And just while I'm doing it kiss his head. Eugh, I think about it all the time and it makes me so upset that I could even imagine taking someone so important to me away from me like that. I try and think of just deleting him from my life...it's just not a reality. I think my little idea is so appealing to me because it would just be us, his full focus on me, not thinking about anyone else. Not being selfish for once. Just me. Just me. Just me.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much that you hate them.
My friend...I saw her for the 1st time since Thursday night today. I dreaded it. She wouldn't stop cuddling me...which is extreamly uncharacteristic for her. I'm still extreamly hurt by her.
I need to fuel my anger and frustration so much, I've never wanted some MDMA so badly.
Leave me.
Leave me.
Leave me.
22:58
October 30th, 2007 at 07:21am