I'M IN LOVE

I used to think something like this was terrible. I didn't want to be one of those people obsessed with my girlfriend. That's pretty much what I've become. Despite how hard I tried not to, and I tried damn hard, I fell in love. I hate that people like me are going to look at me and think I'm another annoying fag. I really hate it. But as long as I don't think about it like that, I don't care. It's really scary, because I'm happy. I haven't been happy since I was much littler.

When I'm not thinking about how I can't stand what I've become, and I just think about Mallory, I'm like a Buddist reaching nirvana. I blush and giggle whenever I talk about her, and I talk about her all the time now. I think about her constantly and dream that we're together, even though we're in different places.

She makes me feel more special than anyone in the world sometimes. I feel like I've done something useful and made something of myself. I like the way we kiss and I like the way we hold hands and I like the way we hug. I like that we're still awkward about who we are and I like that we're scared. I think we both feel the same thing, but neither of us knows exactly how to express what we feel. Maybe it's just me, I've always been shy. Either way, I like it. I like the anticipation of getting to see her for the first time in what could be as long as months. I love how our very, very short distance keeps us close. I like to wake up with her, next to me, it just makes me want to smile and never stop.

I like the stuff we can do together. I mean, we can be really cool, or total dorks. We can go to the mall and laugh at people, or stay at home and have tampon fights. She's the cutest thing alive. I feel so lucky, I mean, it seems so perfect. How could it've been possible for us to love each other like we do? What was it that originally attracted us? Why did I sit near her at lunch on the first day of middle school? And how could that friendship turn into what we are now? I think this whole idea is amazing and more complex than my mind can comprehend. Why do I love her so much?

When I think about her, right now, I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to scream and I want to sing really badly and I want to skip around my house. Sometimes, when I think about her, my heart literally skips a beat. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so afraid of opening up, and I always will be, but now that I finally am, I feel a little better. Of course, I'll still bottle up feelings that should be bottled up and saved for later, but I want to be happy. The only thing that's making me happy is Mallory. Beautiful, brilliant, determined. She's become a deeper thinker. Like, she knows how to have fun, but she also has a mind, and I love that.

I love that as I get more ignorant, she becomes more informed. As my writing quality goes down, hers becomes greater than mine ever was. I'm lucky I can interpertate the sybolistic things she'll use. She's better in school, all around. Maybe she always was this way, but my head was up in the clouds, so I thought I was the most brilliant thing around. Any way I see it, she's someone to admire, and it makes me feel low, and that I should be looked down upon, but still, as long as I'm with her, I'll be happy, and perfectly okay with that. I'm believing in the saying, "ignorance is bliss." I'm aware that I'm not amounting to what I was capable of. I should be better and I've become almost useless. I hate everything that doesn't have to do with her. I hate every aspect of school, and that's probably the only thing bringing me down. Maybe I'm not thinking enough, I know I'm not pressuring or stressing myself out like I was last year (even last year, I was a failure), because she's what I think about. It might be hurting me, but it makes me happy. Why would I want that taken away from me? It's selfish of me, I know, but if it were the other way around, it'd be selfish of the rest of the world. I don't need anyone telling me how to do what I do. All I need is Mali.