Wake Up

This isn't something recent, just to clarify. This is something I have carried with me like a weight upon my heart that brings me down. I just want to say it all now

"I'm on the wire again, teetering over the utter abyss with depths unknown. I'm hovering again, trying desperately to find my balance and failing miserably as I continue slipping. How soon until I completely jolt awake from my happy dream into the harsh realities of the world? How long until I simply slip again and fall back into that dark pit that symbolizes my entire existence? The experts seem to think letting go is the best thing to do; this is even backed by the band Frou Frou in their classic song Let Go.

But I can't; I simply can't. Maybe it's the simple deep-rooted fear of falling too long and hard that holds me back. Maybe it's the fear that if I let go just once, I won't be able to control myself any longer. I fear I'll have a nervous breakdown if I go on the way I do; I've already had quite a few. Hah, panic attacks. They exist like mind games, utterly messing up what I had worked so hard on. They leave me shaking, sobs strangling my throat and tears coursing down my cheeks. It feels like my breath has just been robbed, leaving me dazed and confused. My limbs become weak and a sharp, shooting pain tends to develop in my stomach, making the slightest movement difficult.

I don't want to suffer another; I don't want to keep feeling the way I do. I feel like such a fat fuck; actually, scratch the fuck part-no one would ever want me as a fuck. I don't see why or how I simply keep setting myself up, making myself believe someone could really want me. Who would want me? Truly, I look at myself in the mirror and everything I see supports the theory that I will be a fucking loner the rest of my life. That thought scares me; I don't want to be alone. The one thing I've always wanted is for someone to be at my side; for someone to hold me through every bad moment and carry me to the end.

What I truly don't understand however (and this is what confuses me greatly) is why I always seem to fare the worst in nights that had glorious days? Every time something goes right, I crash. Every time I feel the remotest glee, I fall. I don't want to fall anymore; who does? I want to stay up on that beautiful cloud. So, why can't I? When I'm closer than ever to the people I care about, I fall awake. Why do I have to fall awake like this? Why do I have to be shaken awake from that beautiful dream I was having? Can I not be allowed peace and joy? Why? That's all I ask; why?" - October 24, 2007

It's like this virtually every month. Suddenly, something snaps and I'm lost again, floating in this sea of exhaustion and sadness. There's no telling really when it could happen. And those attacks I spoke of? Panic attacks. Full-blown nervous breakdown.

"I'm about to have a nervous breakdown
My head really hurts
If I don't find a way out of here
I'm going to go beserk
Well, I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
It's going...beserk!
[Lapse]
I don't care what you fuckin' do!
I don't care what you fuckin' say!
I'm so sick of everything
I just want to... Die!"

This is what truly captures my feelings in those situations. Thank you Black Flag.
I'm fine, though, right now. I'm happy; troubled and exhausted but happy.