i cant keep this up...

oh, god help me, i cant keep this up... its going to be christmas. i swore id be straightXedge until i sorted things out and i could drink without... you know... drinking

so i swore id be sXe until i had a boyf/girlf and was happy, coz then i wont be drinking coz im depressed, which would start the damn cycle again, and i wouldnt be drinking and doing stupid, STUPID things when i was drunk. i havent had a boyfriend since christmas eve eve. dont say hes a dick then, hes not a dick. it was just then coz thats the last chance we had to see each other.im not gonna go out with the twentytwo year old. even though he might actually like me.

and oh jeez, i cant even tell you this without lectures and pity, i hate pity. i hate the fact that at christmas everyone eats so much, i cant help it, ill eat like a big fat pig and i wont move off my lazy arse for at least five days of christmas and then prolly not until after new years, so ill be all pudgy in january, omg, this all started one january, theres a chubby faced picture of me in january...

if only things had gone differently last christmas, i might be about to have a nice christmas this year... *ponders* does anyone know anything about the california fires? i might try and grab the last chance that already went home and put its feet up, let alone went...

i cant keep this up... im gonna eat like a pig and get absolutely plastered. and not care until january... god wont you help me? i hate myself so much... im so weak...