Well I think the title of this journal entry says it all really. I'm totally confused.
On Monday night I saw the one I love :) and I was so so so happy. I really really was. I was just watching him and nothing else around me mattered at all. All my attention was on him, my eyes didn't leave him for a moment. I had been so longing to see him that my eyes ate up very inch of him and took everything in. I must have looked mad going around with the biggest smile on my face, but the fact that I was just in his company made me the happiest person on earth. He was giving me cuddles and being so nice to me. I got a little bit too drunk but he didn't even seem to care. I never wanted him to go. When I got home late with my friend I lay in my bed smiling from ear to ear. I didn't want to hate him anymore, the fact that I'm his friend, the fact that I'm lucky enough to have someone so special in my heart was enough for me...
My friend poked me awake at 7:10 in the morning. Usually I would have sworn at her but my eyes were open immediatly and I was grinning. The whole day I had a spring in my step and nothing could get me down...or so I thought.
I went home and logged onto my myspace, I went on to his and saw someone else...I think you all know the story before I say it. Even though I had said that I was happy not being with him he had posted to her things that he used to say to me and "I love you". As I read it I felt my smile fade and my heart just sink. Eughhh I knew the happiness wouldn't last but I thought it would go on longer then a day!
I was a wreck.
I couldn't stop crying, next thing he took me out of top friends...petty huh...this was the thing. I knew that one more bad thing would just push me over the edge.
THIS WAS THE LAST STAW.
I was getting sick, I was crying down the phone to my best friend. She was trying to cheer me up...I was inconsoable. I was going to come here and write an entry but I couldn't bare to speak. I really felt as though my heart had been ripped out. And even now...I don't know why I was SO upset.
Somebody that I quite fancied started speaking to me. He was trying to cheer me up but...it wasn't working and I was going to delete my myspace because...I seem to always find out things I don't want to. Instead this guy took my password, logged on as me, changed it and now isn't giving it back to me until I've cheered up. And you know when they say things are always right in front of you? This guy was just so good to me, so so decent, he wasn't fake, he told me that all guys are pricks and that I shouldn't trust them. He was just so honest with everything he was saying but in such a kind way. I'd liked him for a while but...things had always been so complicated. I'm still not too sure on my feelings but I thought that if things were going to happen they would go very slowly because I'm more fragile then I've ever been.
I stayed up the whole of that night crying. I didn't get any sleep. I watched the sunrise from bed and thought about the one I love non stop and it killed me constantly. Because I hadn't slept I spent the whole day at home sulking. I spoke more with the guy I like and he was just really friendly and being supportive for me...unlike my friend who leaves me in the middle of the night.
So today I woke up with a fresh start. "Be thankful for the friends you have, don't expect anything, just get on with what you're supposed to be doing and things will come to you and...
ALWAYS WAIT FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. NEVER SPEAK TO HIM!"
So with that last one in toe...I thought I wouldn't be hearing from in for a while. I went to college and was standing with my friends, the guy I like came over and we had a bit of a cuddle and a chat...it kind of confirmed my feelings and I thought "as a new start...this guy is like a breath of fresh air! why not?!" So I went though the whole day reasonably happy and just trying to think about the future and snap out of things because I didn't want to be upset anymore and I wanted to be strong enough to defeat it.
When I get home the one I love is on msn. "Mehh!" I think. I had no desire to speak to him. I didn't want to know things that would upset me and I'm ALWAYS the 1st one to speak to him so I thought I'd be well left alone...
"Alright Kimberly?"
ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME!?
My heart stopped...I'm thinking "First time in 3months that he's spoken to me 1st?" He tells me he'd been to my college and had a look for me earlier that day! I was just thinking "tell me your joking"
I wanted to scream at God "why are you doing this to me"...whenever I try and get over something it has to come back. So I asked him how he was and he told me he was seeing someone else. As soon as he said it he said "very very very early on and things are being messed with my head and im not sure about it".
Well well well.
Next thing one of my best friends calls me up and tells me this new girl is his number 1 on myspace and people are leaving comments about how they are so happy that they are together.
I had a go at my friend and said I wasn't on myspace for a reason but it kind of made me happy.
They're not together.
And he doesn't even know how he feels.
Thats keeping me going...for now.
I don't know how long before they really are an item and it will murder me.
Can you see now why I'm confused?!
-I'm in love with one person but trying to forget about them.
-I'm trying to get with someone else because they are just such a gentleman.
-I don't even want a boyfriend.
-As soon as I leave the one I love he comes to me.
-I'm just well confused and don't know where my feelings lie or what I want.
And now this entry is so long nobody will read it.
Confused
November 9th, 2007 at 06:52am