Numb

can't think properly right now. Even though I try to think, my brain would still be of no use. So unless you're ready for a really random post, don't continue reading.

Just got off the phone. For the first time, Dirk and I talked on the phone. Yay! And oh, I love his voice and his diction. But, there was a lot of silence too. Well he told me before we talked that he would be silent and I said it's fine with me but then it was just completely awkward. There were a lot of things I wanted to say, yet I can't seem to say them. Whatever, at least I got to tell him something really important, I love him.

So anyway, I got off the phone. Went back to YM and poof, he was online again saying he couldn't sleep 'coz his wound hurts. What wound? Well, he purposely hurt himself again. As always, it's my fault again. So there we were talking about things we've talked about before and again, I can't seem to think.

I hate myself and my life. All began because of boys. Stupid boys. Wait, is it them or is the problem with me? As far I know,it's been me that had been ruining others' lives. First, Paul's life. I know he's saying that everything is all fine now but he aint good at lying. Nine months together and I'm sure I know things about him. Nothing is fine, even his shoutout and his about me in his Friendster profile says it all. After ruining his life, I easily move on and find another victim - Dirk.

Wait, did I say easily move on? Because I'm not sure if I actually moved on. Maybe I did and mixed feelings just return with things that remind me of him. But maybe I haven't moved on too and it's just my brain that's telling me that I have moved on.

I don't like ruining lives because I know how it is to have my life ruined by some person I loved and trusted. But even though I don't like ruining lives, then why is it that I seem to be really good at it? It's turning out to be hell of a career. New job.

beep beep
"The answer to a problem is always another problem."

I hate the way my life is turning out to be. When I'm supposed to be happy, another problem comes along.

Did I even love Paul? Do I still love him? Do I love Dirk too?
How can you love two boys at the same time??
TORN.

Well maybe not really torn. Considering the fact that its not Paul and I anymore which leaves me to Dirk. But then, its this damn thing called heart.

Oh, heart? Do I even have that? Basically yeah coz that's the reason why I'm still alive. And why do I blame my heart when it's not creating these feelings? All it does is pump bloods. It's the friggin hypothalamus to blame. Science? Quit it elle.

Emo? People say it just doesn't fit me. They say my "image" is the inta slash nerd girl. Is it really just that? Because if I was to read between the lines, I see a whole lot of deeper meaning.

"She's a stupid bitch who likes ruining lives."

Well really. Only a bitch would find herself in my situation. Two boys who actually fought just for one stupid bitch. And oh, that bitch isn't even close to being perfect. She's not pretty, talented, smart, hot, rich, and so on. She's simply some retarded freak who has a problem identifying herself. Rattle rattle rattle.

I'm sleepy. Or maybe it's just my contact lenses that's making me feel so. Coffee!!!

My head is still in the clouds. Still have a hangover from the Friday event. One heck of an unforgettable day. Sadly, it was such a short time and I didnt make the most out of it. When would I see him again??

WHATEVER.
If only I could fall into a deep slumber and never awaken again.
DAMN LIFE.