Ha. Friends. Just like enemies, only you love them.

This is just something to release all the frustration I have going on inside of me right now.
You have reason to read it.
If you want to read it go ahead, i'm not going to stop you.
Hell I can't stop you, but this was the only way I could think of doing it.

I have a friend.
A best friend actually.
She drops hints to me and tells me that she isn't okay but then won't tell me why she isn't. It makes me worried. I don't even know if she does it because she wants me to be worried, if she is doing it on purpose because she can, or if it is something she just does. So i confronted her today and all I got was that 'Nothing will change if you know, so whats the point'.
So I realised the problem must be me, so i asked her this and I got a load of stuff telling me that I didn't really care. That she felt left out, but it doesn't matter. That there is no point in telling me anything because nothing I say ever helps, nothing I say changes anything, I just tell her that she will get over it. I have said this, I regret it, I wish I hadn't, I messed up so badly.

I keep telling her that I care, that I really mean it and I do but all I get in response is 'You don't mean it, nobody does.' and 'nobody actually cares' and that I am 'just like the rest of them'.
She self harms, and when I tell her that i'm worried about her she tells me :
'im telling you to abck off go and be happy without thinking about this fugly cunt anymore it doesnt worry you, as if it ever could, im jsut anotehr one of these people who do it for "effect" as it were, im jsut another fucker who wnats attention well i'll tell you its not for effect and its not for attention its for myself '.
I don't think that. I never could. I just wish it would sink in with her that I do care. I really, truly do.

Now that I reflect on it, I feel like an awful friend and an awful person. I am oblivous and have let this go on for so long, that I don't think I can make it better anymore. So many mistakes have been made and I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just stop trying or carry on regardless. I don't know whether she hates me or likes me. I want to help but I can't. It just makes me feel inadiquate. This shouldn't be about me though, it should be about her. Which is the whole shitting problem, i'm only thinking about me. Fucking hell.

So I sit here, bleary eyed, typing for faceless people I have never met, who probably don't even care. They think i'm some small 'emo' child, worrying about their problems far too much, being overdramatic you could say. I'm sorry to have wasted your time on such a trivial subject that won't affect you in any way whatsoever. I'm sure those two minutes you spent reading this will be sorely missed. That was me venting in the only way in which I could think to do so. It wasn't constructive or particularly helpful to anybody, but it helped me slightly, so thanks.
I am going to go and mourn the loss of a besfriend.