Random jokes and chains.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
I know it's early but I have so many gorgeous, sexy and intelligent friends to get round I'd thought i'd do the ugly f*ckers first! Ho Ho Ho!

Turns out your good at keeping secrets aint you? I thought we were close and you could tell me anything?Why didn't you just tell me about it instead of hiding it from me! Why let me find out like this? I mean, tehre I was watching T.V and as I flicked over, there you were..
Playing the f*cking drums on the cadburys advert!

Little Patrick ased for a bike for his birthday. His dad said "We'd get you one but our mortgage is 80,000 and yor mum has lost her job." Next day Patrick walked out with hus suitecase packed. His dad asks "Where you going son?" Patrick replied "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell yo to wait cause she was coming too. I'm not staying here on my own with an 80,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"

Just bought a liverpool advent calender- Fucking typical all the windows were boarded up and some bastards nicked the f*cking chocolates. (No offence to people from liverpool.)

Little Harry and his mum and dad was in the garden when little Harry killed a butterfly. "That's it." Said his dad. "For a punishment, you can't have butter for two weeks." Later on that day, little Harry killed a honey bee. "Right, for that, you shall have no honey for two weeks." As he said it, his mum killed a cockroach. "Er, daddy?" Said Harry. "Shall I tell mummy or will you?"

!*!*! WARNING !*!*!
Aliens have invaded the earth, their kidnapping all the hot sexy folk...You'll be okay, i'm just texting to say Bye.

Just won a holiday to greece and I'm allowed to take 5 people with me...So if your nt doing anything on the 5th august...
Will you put my bin out?

A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says he'll give them a clue. "It's what mum calls me sometimes." The little girl starts to scream. "Don't eat it" It's a f*cking arsehole!"