deep rant, beware.

Im sitting there telling myself.. ' i hope i dont see him... i hope he doesnt come over.. he is so annoying, i am soo not over what he did to me'
But its all lies, lying to myself... trying to trick my thoughts.. is that even possible? not sure but i was secretly hoping he comes over.. i miss him when he doesnt ring.. i wonder what hes thinking..
i really dont want to make him hate me, but its the only way that i'll ever get him out of my life.
Which has to be done, because things will never change if i never change.
The abuse, and the emotional exhaustion is what i cant handle. If he was 'just a guy' then it wouldnt phase me.. but i think this is someone i deserve and demand respect from.. not just sometimes, every single day without fail.
It shouldnt make a difference whether hes had a few to drink, or is having a bad day, noone deserves to be treated how he treats me.

He knows that im off him.. which he cant control, which makes him angrier, which makes him more abusive, which makes me hate him more. I cant expect him to understand. Im not that selfish. but i am selfish enough to step back and say 'things arent going my way, so im outta here' its just so harddd, he needs to let go, so that i can let go!! he thinks im totally over him, which is what i want him to think really.. (lying again) but it shoulddd make it easier for him 2 walk away..
being forgiving can be a bad trait.. theres only so many times where u can hear the word sorry. When i can actually predict what hes going to do like hours before u kno its not so good.
He gets into a mood, and once he starts drinking, all common sence goes out the window, he wastes alot of money on booze and ciggies, and he cant stop, he cant just have like 3, once he starts, then he drinks the whole night... if others slow down or go home or whatever, then he'll find someone else or drink alone.. then once he gets into drinking, he starts thinking, always negativly.. ridiculous thoughts, often based on me, thinks im sleeping with alot of men, thinks im getting up to no good, thinks i dont respect him or whatever, dont appreciate him enough... and thats when the phone calls and msgs start, or if i am unlucky enough to be with him, the conversation.
The usual phone call could be him slurring into the phone for over an hour about his feelings, or questions... celeste.. have u ever lied to me? or how many guys have u given head 2 since i last spoke 2 u ya s**t? etc etc
i have no respect for stupid drunk talk and offensive questions like this.. so i usually unmeaningfully provoke him by saying 'hey i gotta go' or 'ill talk to u wen ur sober' and hang up. this drives him wild. ive been known to often have 20 something missed calls on my phone. the more i ignore, the worse things get.
The usual txt msg following this is something like this (this is straight out of my phone)
'u r such a f***en mole, wen i ring, u answer. got it? u make me sick in the guts wen i think of u u f***en philthy skank'
ok i have got more of these msgs then i can count on both my hands and feet. The worse ones ive kept as reminders.
I find it hard to ignore these, and it really brings me down, not because i would ever believe any of it, but just the hurt that he would ever say these things about me, when ive done nothing wrong!
I go 2 bed, and would usually wake up thru the night to about 5-6 msgs all abusive like these.. harsher words then ild like 2 repeat on here.. he doesnt sleep.
In the morning, i will get a phone call, this one i am happy to answer because i know its my 'sorry' phone call.. while i am angry, i lay down some more rules, alot of explaining why this isnt acceptable, and tell him i wont put up with it again... he is sincerely sorry, and i have often come home to find bunches of flowers, cards and many gifts waiting for me, and i know that he is truely sorry for now... even though i am off him, it doesnt take me many days to forgive him.. thought it doesnt take many days for it to happen again either.

I cant understand why i find it so hard to kick him out of my life all together. It just seems so much easier to just forgive him and keep the peace, then it is 2 put myself in danger by saying enough is enough. i am scared of him. with reason. i need the strength 2 not look back.