I'm completely disgusted with myself. I just want the date to skip over the 17th...go right from the 16th to the 18th, without any thoughts of inbetween. I can't fall asleep as easily these past few days knowing my birthday is coming, whether I want it to or not. I'm not having a huge party like all my friends want and my mother is driving me insain. I refused to have a sweet sixteen because I'm not a normal girl. Something my mom dearly regrets. She'd rather have my best friend then myself as her daughter for that reason.
I hate dressing up...and I'm a bit of an anti-social. Whenever I have a family party, I feel like a social out-cast. I'm not so amazing at showing emotion because I'm a coward whenever I'm around them, always afraid of being shot down or embarrassed. I don't feel like I matter around them. I hate gaining attention because I'm not any good at dealing with it. I hate having to get excited about something that I truly don't feel excited for.
I don't want it to come. I don't want anyone to wish me a happy birthday. What I want they could never give me. It's not something that's able to be physically handed over, wrapped up in pretty bows and wrapping paper.
I don't want to go to school so people I hardly even know wish me a happy birthday because they feel it's right. They think they understand me because they see me in the halls and in the classrooms. They don't know anything about me...what's the use of wishing someone a happy something if you hardly mean it because you know them so little?
I'm so fucking afraid of getting older. I have such a pessimistic point of view on it at the moment. I've never wanted to go back to childhood so badly before. It makes me think you just can't go back to when you were six and the world seemed flawless. It makes me think of chances I'll never get back.
Why can't I be a normal kid and be excited about turning another year older?
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