*randomly my imaginary friend bob is here and jumps on me and covers my mouth*
bob: lyddy! no swearing in the journal titles! you dont wanna get banned!
me: jeez, bob, i bleeped it out with the funny things. XD
bob: oh, okay. sorry. carry on with your retarded holiday announcment. ill be here to kick you if you swear...
me: *mumbles a few swearwords at bob*
anyway, merry fricking christmas! its the 17th here in chilly little london XD and its gonna be CAH-RISH-MASH! yay! i love christmas...
i mean, firstly, theres the food! so much food... turkey, or goose, or whatever you wanna eat. ill prolly be having nut roast =D im a vegetarian. and theres stuffing, and sprouts, and gravy, and broccoli and then theres all the chocolates and assorted nuts and crisps... and rawr so much alcohol! everyone always gets drunk on christmas XDand theres crackers, with the silly hats and bad jokes and shitty little toys...
(bob: LYDDY! me: sorry... skitty little toys? bob: much better.)
and theres crackers, with the silly hats and bad jokes and skitty little toys... the crap thats always on TV, the bond film, the queens speech, morcambe and wise, the christmas specials of all our favourite comedies XD
and then your mum burns the dinner, and your auntie hates the sprouts, and your dads a fizzog and your cousins are a pain, and you grandad falls asleep... and its awesome. coz families are the greatest thing you could have.
and presents! not only is everyone being pleasant to the family members that they cant stand... you get presents! its so fun to rip open the paper, read the cards and the tags and you get some cool pressies and you get some lame jumpers that you secretly love and everyone gets you girly things because they forgot your a freaky rock fan and it never snows and you never get what you wanted most so you buy it in the january sales.
and you know santa? he rocks. think about it. hes a fat old guy who works one night a year and gives everyone presents. sure, so he breaks into your house and looks like a paedophile, but you like the stocking full of stuff right? we always have small goodies like notebooks or pens or hairbands and stuff i saw in claires, and oranges and chocolates. did you know that santas outfit used to be black, i think it was black, and then like... 20 years ago or something those coca cola christmas ads started and they put santa in a coke red XD and it stuck!
but wait... this is only the family side of crimbo, and the material side of crimbo... we cant forgot jesus' b-day! i dont care if you arent religious, i am! jesus rocks, man, who heard about his birth? heres a more historically correct version of it....
well, there was this engaged couple, and then mary, who like all brides then, was like.. 13 or something. joe was probably 20. its how things were back then. so anyway, mary gets randomly pregnant, and joes ready to have her stoned for being a whore, and shes saying GOD did it, but then joe has a vision... she not lying! and then marys cousin whos 40 odd has her baby, another little miracle, isnt it?
so mary and joe are happy again, but when marys about to have the baby, they have to go and register in joes old town, so they go back, mary rides the donkey, coz hey, shes 13, and as big as a house. so poor lil donkey carries them to the town, and silly old joe waited last minute, and theres nearly nowhere to stay! so they finally find an inn, which is like a pub and a b&b in one, and the landlord says sure, the best place is the outhouse, its quiet, empty, and in those days was a common place for poor girls to have their babies.
well skip the next part, poor marys never even had sex, she wont get an epidural and her bodies that of a 13 yr old, isnt it? at least there was clean hay and joe to hold her hand...
so she puts the baby, who they named jesus, into the trough, which theyd cleaned out especially. then these shepards come in, saying an angel sent them to see the baby! mary doesnt know what to do, so she welcomes them, and they all sit around in the outhouse for the night.
mary stays put until she feels up to travelling again, of course. they had to register, and poor mary was prolly wrecked from giving birth. so randomly, a couple of weeks later these magi (like shamen. look at the stars, make medicine/potions) turn up with really really expensive gifts! mary and joe are the worlds most famous parents... dont believe the catholic 20 yr old mary in blue. shes wasnt white, for starters! think of ancient egyptions... they were that colour. and like i said, she was a poor 13 yr old. who prolly didnt wash much. so there you go. an olive skinned girl with a dirty face and ragged clothes. and now shes a saint!
i reckon jow should be a saint too... i mean, hes been promised a wife, and then she turns up pregnant! he accepts it, i mean he has a vision after all, and then they have to move to egypt coz all the baby boys are being killed, orders of the king! what a guy XD
anyway, enjoy your christmas XD hope you get want you want and have a great time.
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