Love In Cold Blood

So I'm listening to Love In Cold Blood by HIM right now, hence the title of this journal. I honestly don't see the Emotional point in Christmas, cause face it, half the people don't even care. Some people are really into it and go to midnight mass and all that jazz, but most of us get hammered on christmas eve, and then wake up whenever the hell we want to on christmas day, and maybe spend a couple hours with our families.

My family is religious, to an extent. My mom will probably attend midnight mass tomarrow, but there is no way in hell I will. Everyone says that God will get you through everything, but I honestley can't see it. He took my grandmother away from me, he gave my best friend cancer, and he made something else happen, that I'm not going to divulge.

If in all honesty he "loves" us, then why does he put hurt in our lives? To test us? Well then what the hell is life? Isn't THAT the ultimate test? To see if you get into heaven or hell? I can't hang with that. Cause I know I've already failed. I'm going to hell. I'm going to die. Hell, I'm ready to die! I can't, because it's not my time, but if it were, I'd have no regrets about leaving the people I love on this earth. I will miss them, and they may miss me, but eventually we're all going to die. Better accept it while you can, and have no regrets when the time actually comes.

You could argue that he's given me good things, MCR, friends whom I love (and may love me, I don't know, cause they don't say it), a roof over my head, parental figures, an education. But aren't those tools in the 'test?' Maybe that's why I have them. Maybe he's giving me one more chance? For what? I've fucked up enough. I don't want this anymore. I can't hang with this life. Why can't I just forget it all? Stop the nightmares? Just erase it completley? Probably because that would be too easy. He wants only the "perfect" in heaven, so the test has to be mindblowingly hard. Not to mention painful... so horrible pain-filled. So much so, that it gets too much to bear. Some can't take it. And that's when they take their own life. They're the lucky ones.