I knew too well to expect it to last. Im am such a fucking hyprocrite. If you read my last journal, you can see I was extremely angry at him. But exactly on that day he goes and asks me out to a movie. And I have fallen back into the hole I so much wanted to climb out of. I know I am a ridiculous fool to be so obcessed about some guy, but he just has something that fills this unknown void. It's been empty eversince I've left my old school and fallen out of love with my best friend. And now my supposedly boyfriend thinks the pressure is killing him and he just liked it when we were friends. And I guess I'm somewhat ohkay with it. But of course, Id rather we be something more than friends. He use to be the reason why I woke up every morning. He was the reason why I made sure my hair was tidy and I picked out a reasonable outfit. He was the reason why I promised myself I would not cry. What do you do when you lose that reason? If any of you were in my place, Id bet you'd just shrug it off. But he's been so much of me. Even though he doesn't show much patience, maturity, or what I'm looking form he's worth so much.
And I don't know how to deal with having no crushes. Its awkward. I find it hard. Ive never gone a year without having a crush on someone. I like trying to aim for someone I admire. Its something I really enjoy. But I dont like being dumped on the ground, trampled on and left to bleed.
But I'll probably get over him. Sooner or later. I just really would like it if me and him would stay together. But if thats how it'll go, that's what'll happen. I can't control how he feels. He likes me, but he just doesn't enjoy the pressure of asking me out and stuff.
But seriously. We're hardly teenagers. And all I ever want from him is that he talks to me and asks me out to that occasional dances. Is that so much? He doesn't even show interest in at school. I just want him to talk to me online. And for him to take me to those dances that come up ever 4 months. Its nothing big. I just want to enjoy this school with its LITTLE advantages. I need him to survive this. I need something to hold on to. But if that hand drops me off the edge, I can't stop it. Maybe if I'm lucky, someone will catch me or I'll grab onto the edge myself. Maybe I wont have to fall down into my dark depression like I always do.
Anyways. The main point is. I need some "So over You" songs. Like 'I could do so much better' or 'you weren't worth my time' kind of songs. Thanks for taking some time and actually reading this crap.
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