January 3rd 2008 - first journal/diary entry since 1998

Hey just to get all you peeple out there a lil better aquainted with me I'll give yall the 411 on me. Im bout 5'4" with pale-ish skin blue-green eyes and natural red-ish hair soon to be violated by the rainbow. I got glasses but I dont like wearing them so I doubt you'll get to see me in them, my fave colors are Black, lime green, dark purple, blood red, and hot pink( only with black and in small amounts). I despise labels but I've been called quite a few most oftenly, "emo", "punk" or "goth" mind you I have been called a prep on a few occasions( you know those off days where you just cant stand to feel like yourself so you stupidly pull out the clothes that your mother bought you for christmas or work[ if you ever plan on getting a job] those clothes) and lets just say those people should watch out cause theres alot of ways I could make things look like an accident. My taste in music is rather wide-range,though I dont listen to "rap" by choice (Eminem is not "rap" he' is a whole other category for me so SHUT IT!) I dont really have favrite bands or artists but the people I have really stuck to and stayed with are Avril( the ORIGIONAL punk rock princess avril- not this bitchy chic avril that the teenies love now) and My Chemical Romance / The Black Parade ( because Frank Iero rocks my franking sox), Im a country girl I like my outdoors , forests specifically I love animals even bugs & spiders as long as they dont try to eat me alive. Movies is too much of a warzone for me I like them all. I've been tested in school and I've been declared gifted but I fail all my subjects except art because I find them either to boring or repetative. Oh yeah right... I'm 16 turning 17 in may.....I'm a gr.11 student at an awesome high school and I am in an art program that is the best in the ontario, canada too im pretty sure... my social life is rather deranged, but I've got a select few I would trust with my life Like my girls ang & bri, and My bois Kyle Derek, Bill & scott ( most people would say im crazy for still trusting scott like that) I have a boyfriend, Bill - my fallenwolf - we've been going out for about a month now but lately I just dont know whats going on, he reminds me of my ex all the time, just random little things like the way he'll say or do somethingI dont know maybe I'm just looking for excuses to think about him, or maybe im looking for a reason to run away from it all to stop myself before I hurt bill or he gets the chance to hurt me. I spent so much time and energy waiting for scott and I was so happy when I got him it was the best time of my life so far untill it ended. I moved straight onto Bill, same day it ended with scott, at the time it didnt hurt at all it was like okay whatever I saw this coming, everything that makes my life happy fucks up but hey at least I had a chance at it right, well now i think its finaly sinking in its a month later and its just hitting me now. The first guy I ever truely trusted and cared about the first guy I loved andI let him go like it was nothing like it didnt matter I loved him then when it ended because of the way I acted I dont think he believes I ever did when the truth is I still do. I love bill too , at least I think I do but If THATS the truth and hes the one for me then how come its Scott whos stuck in my head, how come its him I cant get off my mind I used to have these periods of time where I would just be sitting somewhere and having absoloutly nothing on my mind but I dont get those now they've been replaced by scott or my trying to figure out what he is to me now. I love Bill I'm sure I do but I think I still Love scott to and the bitch of It is I have no clue as to what action to take and I cant talk to anyone I trust about it because they wont understand it they cant possibly understand it.