So...I just got back from a trip to my aunt's, in Oregon. My grandma was visiting too, and my cousin was just staying at my aunt's (she lives nearby).
We went on the 29th...the day after the anniversary of my grandpa's death. So, obviously, it was doomed from the start.
I think that, if we stayed a few more days, I would've completely snapped at my aunt. She's just so...fucking...annoying. And she is so god damn rude, even though she pretends to be nice. She teases, and picks at you, until you just want to burst out and scream. I tried to build up some kind of defenses against it, but I just get angered too easily.
My grandma...she is doing very badly. The last time I saw her, she could get around fine. She walked around, got up from sitting and did stuff on her own. She was very independent. But now, she has to use a cane/wheelchair, and everyone had to help her up out of chairs, make everything for her...and you could see that she's stopped trying. She's declined so fast it's terrifying.
Soo...the 3rd was my grandma's birthday. And she asked us to take her to the art museum, so mom and me did (it was actually very cool, I went all geeky over the ooold paintings). Everything was totally fine, until we left and were getting grandma into the car - I was supposed to be holding the wheelchair in case she slipped, but I had THE WORST panic attack I've had in my life. I just started crying and shaking and freaking out, and it was hard to breathe so I just quietly ran off and got into the car. I sobbed the whole way back, and I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHY. Maybe it was being in a city, I don't know. I could barely even sleep that night, though! And I still don't feel alright, my heart is still going faster than normal, and I'm nervous/jumpy as hell.
That aside...okay, I LOVE my cousin - she's awesome, and brave. She's gay, and out...which I am very jealous of. There were a few pictures of her and her girlfriend around my aunt's house, and it made me pretty mopey. And you know what? I nearly just told everyone, because they just didn't seem to think it was a big deal. But of course, me being worried so much and over-thinking everything, I didn't say a damn thing. -_-
Ugh...enough of my whining. At least I'm seeing The Lashes tomorrow. :] I hope I'll be able to meet one of the guys, and not chicken out. -sigh- One can only hope.
...this was written while I listened to the Big Band & Swing channel. God, I'm such an old person.
Also, I blame any confusingness in this journal on sleeping on a lumpy couch for 4 hours a night for 6 days. :D
Oh, yeah...there have been some updates to the Cult. -cough-