Old Friend. And emotionally screwed.

Last night I was looking at Facebook albums of some of my friends when I came across a picture. The picture is of a guy I was friends with in high school here in Montreal. I didn't immediately recognize him when I looked at the picture. I was looking at it for a good minute before I could tell who it was and when I did finally see ...my heart just about sank. There was always something about him that got to me. He was that guy that you think is an asshole the first time you meet him, but once you become friends you realize that he isn't an asshole at all but just a tad bit weird. And a sweet heart of all sweet heart too.

Well I've always thought that everyone has that person. The one that no matter where you are or what you're doing, when you see them you get a feeling in the pit of your stomach. And it doesn't matter if you are single or in a committed relationship, there will always be that one person. Well he is that one person for me. I can honestly say I've never been more attracted to any other person before. It's a combination of his personality and the way he looks physically. There is just something about him that makes me melt, and often ties turn into a blubbering moron. But then again, I find I turn into a blubbering moron more often than not with a lot of people. But anyways, when I saw his picture (and of course he looked different than when I saw him last, almost seven months ago, he still looked good) I got that pang in the pit of my stomach. Part of it was my never-ending attraction to him, but the other part was a touch of guilt and sadness. I felt a small feeling of regret that I let our friendship, and the friendships I had with others in your circle, fall away once school ended. I realize that when you move, even if it's just forty minutes away, holding a friendship or even a series of friendships together can be difficult, but not impossible. And I can honestly say that I know it was mainly my fault. I stopped calling. I stopped sending the emails or leaving the Facebook comment about getting together.

But then, it is a pattern of mine. Causing problems or letting friendships fall away. And I guess this realization or sudden run-in with the picture can help me get over my problems with relationships, whatever type of relationship it may be. But now I need to figure out why it is I pull away and what it is in my life or inside me that hinders my ability to create proper connections with people. Only time will tell I guess.