I Found my Love Again

At a young age of 7 yrs. old, I began my ballet training out of curiosity. I never knew what it was but I knew it was something I had to do. After my first class, I immediately fell in love with it. A few days later I was told that I'd be accelerated to the next level from the beginner's class. I was so happy and I never thought I'd get promoted so fast. That went on for a few years until I reached the intermediate level. There, I didn't seem to love the art as much as I did before. I gained weight and I was always absent. There was even a time when I was absent for 6 whole weeks due to an illness. When I went back, I saw that I was so lost and I lagged behind. There, I knew that I must try harder and be one of the best again. That was during the year, 2006. Ever since that, I was never absent and I trained harder.

A year has passed and I was told I totally had a great improvement. I was placed in front during practices ( which is a great honor by the way...) and by the end of the semester, I won the award of Most Promising Ballerina. I was so happy and my love for ballet grew even more so I worked hard again. Now, Jan 2008, It seems to me that I was not just competing with myself but mostly with others. I tend to compare myself, always wanting to out do others yet in the end I was the loser.

It happened this monday, while everyone must have been wracking their brains for exams I was in the ballet studio, sweating out training. It was the day where people were chosen who would dance the short but difficult variations in the recital. I, of course, was hoping to be in the dance but I was pulled down by my negativity and ill-fitting shoes. We were all asked to dance, then some people would be called out. During other meetings, I was always one of those people to be called out but today, it's a different day. I'm sure you should have guessed it by now...yes, I wasn't called out. It was the first time and I was deeply crushed. I thought, "Could this mean that my dancing has totally changed?", "Am I really that bad?", "Why am I not good enough?! Why didn't I get picked?". I was even furious because my unsuspecting rival was chosen and I was very jealous. That night, I went home crying to my mom saying that I don't dance well anymore. That I'm such a failure and that my confidence and spirit is totally crushed. I expected to be comforted but no...I had to be told that that is the only level of good I could get. In other words, they told me I was at my limit and I couldn't get better.........well of course I was furious and cried even more. I arrived to school then next day with huge eye bags.

For the next few days, I was depressed due to jealousy and negative thoughts. My mom told me that since ballet makes me feel depressed so much, I should just quit. I even considered that I quit dancing...the one that I always loved. Each time I felt like crying which I did do anyway...Suddenly, with a simple crack of a joke from a friend and several loads of laughter, I began to feel better. I was getting up from being depressed and while searching the net, I saw a very striking quote, "I dance not to compete with others but to compete with myself to become good." I thought that this quote was truly meant for me. I then realized that I shouldn't be too hard on myself and that I should be dancing out of love and not by competing with others but myself. I finally began to feel happy and enjoyed dancing again. I realized I didn't love to dance because of being better than others but because I just love to dance. Once again, I have found my love.