Ten Things.

Write down ten things you'd say to any ten people of your choice. Don't name the people.

1. I wish I could tell you this, first of all. Tell you that I'm sorry that my life is different than yours, that I grew up better than you. I wish I was sorry that I've succeeded while you still haven't. I don't want to be pompous and I wish you could see me as a person and not as someone who gets everything handed to them on a silver platter. You have no idea how much my heart breaks when I see you struggle, or how I want to be the one who makes everything better for you. I hate how I can always fix things while you screw them up; I hate how I always have the answer to a problem. I even hate that I'm better than you at Guitar Hero, because I want you to be able to do something better than me for once. That's why when you show me what you've created, I stand in wonder and go on and on about it, because I want you to feel what I feel. I cried when I found out that your dad neglected you, that your stepdad died, that your second stepdad thinks you're a failure. I'm crying now as I type this. You have no idea how I feel your pain. You have no idea how much I wish you had the perfect life, that you didn’t have to go through the pain. Goddammit, I want you to feel loved, to be loved. I want you to have no pain - if I could, I'd take it away. If dying meant lessening your pain, I'd do it in an instant.

2. You don't understand how much you hurt me every time you say something about my stupidity. 'Don't you know how to read? Don't you have a brain?' You don't understand how it kills me, every time you say that. I don't think you realize how I'm doing this, I'm doing it all, just for you. It's all for you. I wish you could understand how I feel when I do something wrong, when you yell at me, it makes me hold in the tears until I can get somewhere where I'm alone. And when I'm alone, I'll cry, because you've made me. Yes, it's your fault. I'm sorry to say it, but it is. I love you to pieces and I understand that you love me back, but please, don't say what you say so much. I can take it a few times, but not at this rate. I wish you could love them as you love me, but you can't, obviously. I wish you had a bigger heart and maybe even were a better person. I wish just once, you'd let me tell you this without becoming angry. I wish you weren't in denial, I wish you could see what I do - but you can't. And it's sad.

3. I know you do everything you do just for me. And I'm not entirely sure who's at fault here; it's probably me. These words are self centered and pompous, but I can't help from feeling what I feel. I'm sorry that I want to go home, I'm sorry that I feel like since I'm just a kid, I shouldn't have to do these things. But I guess I've never been 'just a kid,' and you know that. You know that since I'm smart, since I'm mature, I can do more things - but I still need my time. I need time to scream it all out, to blast my music, to punch a few things and then maybe let a few cuss words slip out. I'm not perfect. I can't do everything you ask me to do, but because it's you asking, I will try. I'll try my very hardest, just to make you happy. I'll try because I love you.

4. I can't express how much you mean to me. I think it's an act of fate that brought us together - that I was nominated, that I decided to go, that I picked that week, that I took that plane, the fact that I got placed in your group. I'm sort of scared of saying because I'm afraid I'll scare you off; but my God, you're always there for me. This bond we've formed is amazing. Six months and I know you like a sister. By this time next year we'll be, I don't know, unstoppable. I love you so, so much and I hope that I never lose you.

5. Sometimes I wish that I could tell you everything. That I could tell you my true feelings, the real situation. But the truth is, a lot of people see me as the Perfect Girl with the Perfect Life, and I feel like I need to uphold that image, just for you. I hide all the faults in my life from you. I'm not sure why, but I do. Maybe because I don't want to feel pity from you, like I know I'm going to get. I'll get close to telling you something, and then you'll say something, and I'll shut my mouth. I want to tell you how different we are - even though it's sad, I doubt we'll stay friends forever. But I still love you despite it. You've been there for me through the tough times, even when you didn't know that it was a tough time for me. I'm sorry that we're going to drift apart, but...we are. I can feel it. I'm sorry, but I do. You also need to learn to be your own person; and yes, sweetie, liking a band just because of one song is being a poser. Learn to be your own person. It’s not that hard.

6. I feel sorry for you.

7. I've missed you ever since we drifted apart from each other, even though we're still close. Even though I may not go to your house every weekend like I used to, I'm still surprised at how we're still like sisters. We still say things at the same time, we still laugh at the stupidest things, we still fight over who stole the blanket in the middle of the night. I sort of wish that you had never left me that summer, that you had stayed my best friend. But I guess you couldn't put up with me, and I can't blame you. I'm a handful, aren't I? I wish you could see the potential you have, the brilliance you have. I wish you had the courage to stand up to your parents, but you don't. I want to yell and scream at you until you get it. Stand up to them, it's not that hard. You'll have your friends to support you. And my God, woman, write your own essays. I love you to pieces but come on. Cheating is going to get you nowhere in life.

8. I'm not a spoiled little brat. I may act a tad ditzy when you come to visit, but it's just who I am. I don't choose the life I live - I'd be the same person, maybe with worse clothes and worse living conditions, if we were lower class. But guess what? I do have potential. And no offense, but you're an asshole for thinking that I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I know I love you, but come on, dude. Seriously? I'm not going to live off my parents for my whole life. That's not who I am. Trust me, you're going to get old and you're going to see my name somewhere - I don't know for what yet, but trust me, you will.

9. I can't figure you out, and it annoys the shit out of me.

10. You're pretty, you're smart, you're brilliant, even. You degrade yourself and there's really no reason to. You want to start living life, you want to stop degrading yourself, I can tell. But you're afraid. Because you want people to tell you you're pretty when you say you're ugly, because that's really the only time people ever compliment you. But guess what, sweetie? People don't compliment you a lot because you've got it all. Your first grade teacher told your mom to get your IQ tested because she'd never seen a child like you. You were offered modeling jobs at the age of four. You get straight A's and you can make adults laugh. You're a charmer, you're a boy catcher, you look like you've got the perfect life. I know you hide the imperfections because you want to keep this image up - but once you get in high school, you know what I think? I think you're going to start over. I think you're going to become the real you, the real you that's been hiding for so long. I can see right through you. You're worried about guys, you're worried about how you look, and yeah, I get that. But really, who's it for? Your real friends are going to love you for who you are. Same with a potential future boyfriend. YOU GET IT? You've had so many different people yell at you, but look who's yelling at you now.