My First Songfic

I just posted it in the stories section a few hours ago. I hate to be a comment whore, but I want to hear some feedback. So, if you'll read it, it would be great. =) It's a song called Breakfast After Ten by Blue October. (Great song, by the way.) And I would like actual critiques. Because I've gotten a good review, but I think it's a bit choppy. So thanks for your time to anyone who reads it...

*peace & love*

-Bobbye

P.S. I have nothing else to say, and I need more words, so I'll babble for a moment... I'm watching The Doors movie right now... it's trippy... and poetic... like, wow... lol. But who doesn't like trippy poetic stuff anyway? :)

<3