...19...

Today's my birthday. I swore I'd never grow up, it's amazing how life forces you to though. I'm still tring to get used to that fact and the fact my ex boyfriend, who said I was to important to lose comepletely, is engaged and didn't have enough fucking respect to tell me. Yeah I found out on myspace and it still pisses me off and hurts. I mean come on, We hadn't been broken up a month and he was already engaged. He says nothing was going on but that's really hard to beleive. I miss Massachusetts I miss him, but I'm clearly not getting him back. Three and half years and he pulls this shit. I wonder how much of it was a lie...I still love him, that'll probably never change. I guess it is true, you have to have your heart broken at least once in life. I'm just wondering if I'll ever find my prince charming in a world full of toads. Sure I'm young, but I'm getting older and I don't want to end up alone and bitter.

I'm tired and it's not just due to lack of sleep. I'm only nineteen, but I'm still depressed, first it was school and now this. I know life isn't easy, but some have it easier than others. I was right when I thought finding the love of my life was to easy. Now...I'm just alone and longing for something more than I have in this shitty little town. I guess having a taste of happiness and then losing it will do that to you though. Sometimes I wonder if I should take the easy way...But I don't WANT to be that weak.

They say every thing happens for a reason. I wonder what that is. I'm still searching for the good that's supposed to come with the bad and have yet to find it. Right now I guess the only good thing is that I'm stronger and wiser than I was, but that would have happened anyway as the years passed.

So despite not wanting to grow up exept in body, I've been forced to grow in more than one way. I miss my childhood innocents, but I have no regrets. But why regret when the things I've done were under my own power. Life's to short to regret the past.

And no matter how much he has hurt me, I forgive him.Why? Because, he doesn't care if I hate him and neither does she. I wish them happiness and well being, because I love him and always will. I know I'll eventually find someone else that I love just as much,but he'll always hold some part of me. I have no choice but to move on, so I will.

Carpe Deim