Forgive and Forget

Sometimes I just wish that I am able to forgive and forget. Now one of the things associated with that is what do I want to forgive, and who do I want to forget? Coincidentally, those two things have to deal with the same person, my father.

I'd want to forget all the things that have happened recently, and just pretend that they never happened. I want to pretend that he never left us, I want to pretend that he never forgot us, I want to pretend that I didn't try to kill myself because of him, I want to pretend that I am not afraid of him. All these things I would like to forget and go back to. Granted all these things happened in the process of twelve years, dragging on and on until it tests my patience and sanity actually to my breaking point. But if I went back, I would only be four.

Those were the years though. Living in my own little ignorance, never having to really shoulder the blame for anything or make difficult decisions, barely deciding that I wanted to dress myself instead of having my mother help me. Those were the times when things seemed to be going fine. But like I said, ignorance. I was living in ignorance. I heard the shouts and slamming of doors, but I guess I didn't see how bad it was going to get. I would see my father mad, I would see him leave, but as long as he came back I would accept him. I'd wrap my tiny arms around his neck and hold on to him. I'd just forgive and forget. I had the ability to accept him for whatever he was because I was young, and he was still my father.

But now after all this, I think all I can do is wish. I see what he's done to us. I'm feeling how he's broken me. I'm also living my life without him in fear. I used to fear that one day he might leave for his job as an officer and never come back through the door. But now I'm fearing that I might see his picture in the section reserved for 'Obituaries' and never get the chance to set things right. No matter how much I'm scared of that, I still can't bring myself to talk to him again. I'm still scarred because of the way that he's made me feel. The scars are fading, but I can still see them, I can still feel them. I am still trying to fix the heart he broke.

I just hate that it's taking so long.