A healthy dosage of Peter

Dear diary, it's been a few weeks since my last confession. It's been a few weeks since I was last completely sober. Sorry about that Mr Liver.

For a while now, I've been doing the usual, getting drunk, having a laugh, but nothing majorly epic. I'm slightly disappointed with my recent lack of adventure. Fair enough, one week, I got drunk on the Monday night, missed out Tuesday, but then got drunk everyday for the rest of the week up until Sunday. I also had work each day. Did I sleep? Dunno, I can imagine it was more unconsciousness than sleep, but whatever, that made me feel like a machine. My record so far is 13 days though. 13 days in a total drunken stupor. I love France for a very good reason.

The events began as they usually do. Although this time, it was slightly different. I had decided I would go out on Saturday night, to the Cathouse again, seeing as that's where Seth [my best friend, and now boyfriend], Vicky and his mates from school were going. It was half 9, I was a mess, and still hungover from the night before. I really should stop drinking Absinthe when I get home, and passing out on the living room floor. I had to leave the house in 30 minutes to get to Bishopbriggs in time to get Seth and Vicky. I do believe the term 'fuck' was used when I realised this.

A quick shower and a partridge in a pear tree later, I phoned a taxi. My mum was shit faced, so I couldn't score a lift. Damn her and her red wine. I say I couldn't score a lift, but that's a lie. My mum actually did offer me one, then fell over the big leather stool in my living room. It's fun seeing your mother doing a face plant.

When the taxi came, fuck me he was quick. I was at Bishopbriggs in literally 9 minutes. It's usually a 15 minute drive or something, but damn this guy was good. As soon as we got to every set of traffic lights, they would turn green. If he seen they were red, he would slow down from miles away, so that as soon as they turned green, he could floor it and fly through. I liked his mission mode.

Good boy.

When I arrived at the train station, I phone Seth to let him know of my whereabouts. I bought my train ticket and waited on them. I danced on the spot to keep myself amused. Some woman looked at me weird. Twat.

When they got there, we started talking about things, and his friend Stan turned up. Stan is not actually his name, but I can't remember what his actual name was, so Stan will have to suffice. Anyway, he was fucked. He'd been drinking Jagermeister (this pure horrible tasting drink) in his house before he came out to start drinking with us. I was jealous, for once, I wasn't the first drunk person in the vicinity. I had to play catch up. I don't like playing catch up. This meant war.

We got on the train, and Seth was fucking hyped up. Just going on about how he was going to get shit-faced. I was half asleep and quite bored already, it felt like a role reversal to me.

Once we arrived in Queen St station, I had to go lift more money. I decided 50 quid should do me. I already had 20 in my wallet, so I figured that was a good amount. We began making our way down to the Cathouse, as we had to meet Gus and Emma. I'd seen Gus not too long ago (at KG) and same goes for Emma (at the Cathouse) so I didn't mind that I was gonna be out drinking with them. When we met up with them, I hugged Gus straight away, it'd been a while since KG. I have a new found affinity for hugging people when I see the, and using the phrase 'show me some love'. I probably should watch who I say it to before I get a chisel through my temple, though.

I had to pay a fucking fiver to get in. Seth had his pocket pages, as did pretty much everyone else, so they got in for free, the wankers.

Once I was in, I felt much better. We headed straight for level 2, and straight to the bar. My first drink was a Corona, naturally. Once we had our drinks, we went and sat down on a circular seat. Seth and Vicky both had pints of Cider and Blackcurrant. I had finished my first Corona before they even finished the first couple of sips of theirs. Seth told me to 'calm down' as 'we have all night', but I didn't give a fuck, I knew that I'd drink lots, fast. I had another 2 by the time they had finished theirs. I drink like a fucking pro.

I started to get quite bored, there was nothing to do, and no banter, because this circular seat was pointing each of us in a different direction, and leaning over hurt my neck. It was at this point I noticed this guy and girl walk down the steps towards the bar. 'Fair enough' I thought, 'they look like a norm..HOLY HELL HIS HAIR!'. I made fun of this guy for a good while, and Seth found it rather amusing. 'Use the force Obi Wan' was a phrase that passed my lips at one point. I'll leave you to work out what exactly was 'wrong' with his hair.

Then came Peter. Peter with the mohawk. Crazy Peter. He's fucking epic.

As soon as he seen me, and I seen him, we just pointed to each other and shouted. He ran over, and jumped onto my lap. Clearly Peter had been drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I was jealous of him too, the bastard. We started talking, and he continued to sit on my lap. He kept feeling my head (on my neck, perverts) too. Apparently the feeling of a my hair just 'feels so good'.

I offered Peter a drink, but he declined. I was amazed that anyone on the planet would decline a drink, let alone Peter. One of the biggest upsets of my life would be to decline a drink, it just doesn't register on my system. Pussy.

By the time I went to the bar for the 4th time, I never even had to ask the barmaid for my drink. She just looked at me, got my Corona and brought it over to me. It's great being noticed as a regular within about 15 minutes; it makes you feel proud. Seth and Vicky now had their second drinks. I'm not quite sure what it was they were drinking, although seeing as it was black in colour, I can be safe and say that it was Vodka and coke. Once we had these drinks, we moved away from the circular seat (that bastard of a seat) over to the bar on the other side of the room and I was gradually getting drunker; Yet again, I hadn't had anything to eat before I started drinking. Yet again I felt it was a good decision.

It might have been at this point that I seen Peter again at the bar. He was everywhere. If you turned round, he was there. If you went to the bog, he was there. Fuck, I hate to think what would happen if you were in a bedroom somewhere, with the love of your life, because no doubt, he'd be there.

Anyway, it was at this point I realised that not only had we moved places, but we had lost Gus, Emma and Stan. I had no idea where they were, and apparently, neither did Seth or Vicky. The room wasn't even that big, so it's astounding to believe we lost 3 people in there. Not Peter though, Peter was rather visible from my line of sight. Peter is always rather visible.

Seth, with the hawk eye, spotted the 3 companions we had lost, and made a B-line for them.

Before I go any further, the first person to explain to me why it's called a B-line gets sex for a week. As far as I'm concerned, B's aren't that straight. Wouldn't an iLine be more appropriate? (I better get that in before Apple copyright it).

As we walked through the room, I felt people staring at me, and I had no idea why. I just carried on with my drinking though; I love attention, I'm not gonna let it bother me. We got to Gus, Emma and Stan and I noticed there was an attractive boy with them. At this moment in time, I can't remember his name, but it doesn't really matter anyway as said boy had a boyfriend who was coming later on that evening. Talk about a kick in the gonads.

[This was before I was going out with Seth lol]

I went and got another Corona. I was…eh…thirsty.

I got back, and I was beginning to feel really relaxed and not as bored anymore. I was beginning to dance on the spot a bit more obviously. Then BAM. Smoke attack. Mid-conversation, and all I could see was white. I could still breathe no problem, but I could taste this smoke; not pleasant considering I like to taste alcohol more than anything on the planet, and now the taste was deformed.

I'm not entirely sure what happened next, but I'm pretty positive I got another Corona. This time Vicky came with me to get another drink. She was drinking faster than seth. I was pretty surprised at how slowly Seth was drinking; recently, his standards have been getting close to mine. We went back over to the group that was accumulating, as there was some new guy there that knew hot boy with boyfriend, although he was not, as I first assumed, his boyfriend.

Hussy.

Next, me, Vicky and Seth went back to the bar to get another drink. I was drinking faster than I give myself credit for actually, I only just realised. I seen Peter at the bar again and offered him a drink. He declined, showing me the drink he already had in his hand. What an idiot. Last time I checked, I could hold a glass in each hand. He clearly doesn't have his priorities in the right order like I do. As I was ordering my drink, he came back and hugged me from behind, and kissed the back of my neck.

Me – "Did you just kiss my neck?!"
Peter – "Yeah!"
Me – "Why?!"
Peter – "Neck piercing!"
Me (to Seth) – "Dude! Peter just kissed my neck!"
Seth– "o_O"

I'm Captain Obvious.

I bought another Corona; I start to get rather intoxicated. I love Corona. They were starting to recognise me at this bar too. The joy!

We moved over to the corridor in between the two bars, and the first thing I immediately tried to do was stick flyers to the vent. I'm not entirely sure how it worked, because the vent blew cold air out. Ok, so maybe it was air conditioning, but still, if it's blowing cold air out, how the hell could it suck flyers in? Mindfuck and a half.

Needless to say, I have fun with that thing, and a mild hysterical laugh that resembles that of Dr. Evil at 6 years of age.

I headed over to the bar to get another Corona, and Seth and Vicky were with me. I think I kicked Seth, and he kicked me, but I have no recollection why. We're such good friends. It may have been at this point, that I noticed Jesus.

Me – ":O DUDE! That guy looks like Jesus!"
Seth – "I dare you to go over to him, and say 'Forgive me father for I have sinned'"
Me – "Hahahaha"

[not our jesus from mibba guys]

Our banter is just epic.
I came close to actually going over to the Jesus-look=alike, but decided I'd rather not like to be raped. Not quite yet, anyway.

We went back up to the corridor seats, and started to get the banter rolling. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was stunned at the next thing I saw.

Me – "Dude! DUDE! FAT JESUS! FAT FUCKING JESUS!"
Seth – "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I wasn't too discreet about declaring that event, but lets face it, how often to you get to see 'Jesus – Life after 40'?

Before long, it was Seth's turn.

Seth- "Jamie! TEENAGE JESUS!"
Me – "HAHAHAHAHA!"

We're right harsh cunts to be perfectly honest, but we just couldn't help but laugh. There were so many Jesus look-alikes, it was too much to ignore. Then at around the same time me and Seth hit out with the same idea.

"FEMALE JESUS! :O!"
"Hahahaha"

We had fun with the Jesus look-alikes, one of the highlights of the night. 4 Jesus' in the one place? Can't beat it as far as I'm concerned. All that faith, I'm bound to go to heaven (hell) now.

I'm not entirely sure on the details of what happened next, but Peter was back, and talking to all of us at the corridor seats. And fuck knows why, or how, but he had chocolate. He offered Seth a bit, and he declined, he offered Vicky a bit, which if my maths serves me right (he divided it into four), she accepted. I took a bit too, and then Peter ate a bit. Now, I know what you're thinking. That means only 3 people ate a bit of chocolate, but it was divided into 4. Well, you see, Peter, the right cunt, thought it would be funny to drop the 4th bit into my Corona. Har-de-fucking-har. Seth was pissing himself laughing, and he had every right. Peter ran off, so I was just biding my time.

I let the chocolate sit in there and get a good soaking before I sneaked up behind him and let it run right down the back of his top.

Then I legged it halfway across the club.

I was sitting on the corridor seats again, next to Vicky, when I noticed Peter was heading in my direction. My line of thought went something like this:

'Shit, he's coming. It's too late to move now, he'll know it's me. But what if I just stay here and he sees me? I know I'll try and hide behind Vicky'

He seen me.

I ended up with lip balm across my forehead.

I went to the toilet with my chocolate hinted Corona, and proceeded in the event of washing the stuff off. Other guys kept asking me what I was doing. When I explained the whole situation, about 5 of them were laughing so hard it looked like they were bursting blood vessels left, right and centre. I quite liked this attention from these new people. I have no idea who they are, but they seemed to find my antics hysterical.

Once I had came back out, I headed back for the corridor seats. But no-one was there. The fuckers. I had assumed, quite quickly, that they had all just done the bunk on me and fucked off, but no, actually. Vicky wandered by and shouts 'JAMIE!', at which point I reply with 'Where the FUCK is everyone?'. She didn't know either, but at least now this mature game of hide and seek had its chances of finding the rest of the crew doubled.

Memory loss time.

More memory loss.

Next thing I can remember, I'm dancing like a TWAT. Hardcore dancing like a scene kid, because LostProphets came on, Last Train Home to be precise. I was singing my heart out like a motherfucker, then told to get off the dance floor because I had a drink in my hand. I looked at my hand as if to say 'no I fucking don't!', but I did. So I was shooed off. As soon as the bouncer turned his back, I was straight back on that dance floor like a motherfucker in a ho down. I kept guzzling whatever drinks came near me. Say hello to full blown Jamie mode.

I went back to the bar, to get another Corona. The girl didn't hear me right and handed me over a glass of water. WATER. Oh my fucking God. I nearly went psycho at her. Who in their right mind hands ME water? What a fucking idiot. Peter was back now too, and persisted on groping my head again, just because 'it feels that good'. Peter is just banter and a half. On the walk back down to the floor, I think it was at this point I heard Incubus come on, A Certain Shade of Green. I love Incubus with a passion, so naturally, I rocked this song out too. Kicking and punching people without even realising it because I'm just that fucked and having THAT good a time.

We went and sat over at some seats, because we had been standing for ages. I noticed like 5 half empty glasses of WKD, so decided to pour them all into the one and start drinking. Seth commented on how I thankfully hadn't fallen asleep this time. I almost fell asleep right at that exact moment. Karma, believe in it.

Next thing I know, I'm in the bog, and I'm talking to some bald guy with a goatee. He sees my neck piercing and congratulates me. A fat guy with insanely long hair and moobs joins in the conversation. All of a sudden bald goatee man (who I originally thought looked like Goldberg, the wrestler) was going utter sick at the condom machine. He was trying to buy a vibrating ring, and it swallowed 3 quid. I laughed a lot, and then he asked me for help. So I kicked the thing as hard as I could, but nothing happened. Goldberg kicked it too, again nothing happened. Moob-man tried using all of his bodyweight to knock the ring out, but again, nothing happened. Goldberg took the civil approach, and head-butted the thing. I laughed a lot, and then left.

The image I have after that is trying to start a mosh-pit with Seth. I can't remember any sounds at this point, so I know I was completely mashed.

All of a sudden I'm dancing with some girl, and she's all over me, In case you don'y know Im gay. Yeah I can dance with a girl, but for her to be all over me? Ewww. She tells me how some guy has been following her all night and she needs someone to help her out for a while. I fail to see why I should help her out. It's not my problem.

But on the other hand, I'm shit-faced. Shit-faced overrules any sort of sensible decision I would normally make.

Then, I dunno how, but I'm on the stairs walking out, must've been closing time as far as I'm aware. Seth and Vicky went off to the cloakroom to get their bags and stuff. My hoody was in Seth's bag, but the fucker of a bouncer wouldn't let me wait inside, so just sent me out. Seth managed to get out right behind me somehow, along with Vicky. I must've been walking insanely slow.

We had a dilemma on our hands at this point. We were hungry, and couldn't think of what to eat. Naturally my first suggestion was chips, cheese and curry sauce. Then I thought I could go for a Meatball Marinara Subway. We were discussing our options intently. It was settled.

We went to Burger King.

Considering how royally fucked I was, I managed to place my order quite well. And I managed to score about 20 straws and 15 packets of ketchup at the same time. XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger meal. Large.

Me, Seth and Vicky then headed out of Burger King, and Vicky had to depart. I can't believe at any point during the night I failed to mention she had 'nane honour'.

So the two of us headed towards the Gallery of Modern Art (GoMA) for somewhere to sit down and eat our food. I'm pretty sure I shouted insults at people but I can't quite remember what they were or why. Once there, we sat on the window ledge at the back of Borders, and began munching away on our food. Some guy started insulting Seth, with Sethinsulting him right back. The phrase 'pwnd' might have been used at some point, by Seth obviously.

Once we had finished our exquisite meals, we headed towards George Square. It was at this point we noticed a blocked of stairway down below GoMA, so naturally, we decided we'd climb it, and have a wee wander round, for the scenery, obviously. Once down there, I noticed that there were tonnes of windows, two of which I decided to relieve my bladder on. Then I noticed a traffic cone a bit further down, so I decided it would make an excellent addition to my already sterling collection of drunken stolen goods. However, I got about 10 feet with it before thinking 'fuck it'; The thought process of a drunkard is something special, wouldn't you agree? We then worked our way round the base of GoMA, and came to an alley, we got a reasonable distance, when all of a sudden, a light flashed on.

LEG IT!

We ran back along the alleyway and up the stairs, as soon as we reached the top we went back to a normal walking pace as if nothing was going on. We probably looked insanely suspicious. Off to George Square we went.

As we were walking towards good ol' George, Seth decided he would run through the bushes and hide. I filmed it and laughed a lot, it was like something from a slapstick movie. The video is really dark unfortunately.

Next on the agenda was killing packets of ketchup. I don't know why I was trying to stomp on them and make them burst, but I remember doing it quite angrily, and I'd throw the straws around too. I can't believe I was actually getting so aggressive trying to burst open a packet of ketchup. Then again, the motherfucker was just not for bleeding. I need to try that again, it must be fucking possible to kill a packet of ketchup.

Then came the big drawing in the middle of the square. Being the retard I am, I tried to work my way in and out through the cracks in the drawing. It looked like a bird's eye view of a city, like New York for instance, and I felt like Godzilla or King Kong working my way through the streets. Somehow this ended up with me and Seth roping some random woman into playing what we thought was a very good game of chess. The bitch won though, and I'm still livid about that. We fucking invented the game (street chess, not actual chess) so we can't fucking lose!

We walked up through Queen Street station, up to the Bus Station, because there was a taxi rank there, according to Seth. I kept trying to persuade him that there wasn't one, and that he was thinking of the taxi bay at the Royal Concert Hall.

There was one.

We headed over to it, but there was a fucking massive queue of people. Time to get the phones out and start hunting for a cheap taxi. None of the taxi companies we phoned and I mean NONE had a taxi available for that very moment. We pondered walking it the whole way, which would've more than likely taken a good 4 or 5 hours. We kept harassing passers by for any information on taxi companies they knew of, but no-one could really think of any. It was a right cunting problem we were in.

In a right turn of events. Jackpot.

Even though there was a massive queue of people waiting, I jumped around to a taxi that just arrived, not a normal black hack, and asked the guy if anyone had booked it. He told me no, so I asked if we could get it. Luckiest moment was when he said he was from Springburn, so a lift to Bishy was no problem. I can't remember much of the taxi ride, apart from persuading Seth to stay out drinking, but when we got out the guy told us it was only 6 quid. 6 fucking quid! That's fucking epic! That's so fucking cheap for a taxi it's unreal.

Once out the taxi, we headed back to his house, seeing as I was staying there that night.

We were ducking and diving and playing 'Commandos' through the streets of Bishopbriggs at 5am.

Yes, we are both 18 years old. Technically we're mature.

Fuck technically.