The Last Song I'm Wasting On You.

...and by you I'm talking to myself. So me...

My life has come to a stop... or has been stopping it self for quite sometime now, being reduced to 2 deadlines. The first of them I know I'll get to, the second one I'm not so sure and whatever happens after that one... I don't know and I'm not really interested on finding out.

I'm not writing, I'm not reading, I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating, I'm not going out...
I'm not breathing.

I'm not living.

I've lost every reason that made me wake up and get up in the morning, every love I had for what I do, every interest I had in my daily activities. I wake up and all I wanna do is crawl under a rock and stay there... die there.
The only thing that made me smile was a stupid and useless fantasy that is no longer working in distracting my mind of the real world. The fact is I'm not a character in my stories, I'm not the character in my RPG, I'm not an elf fighting the Alliance... I'm not fiction and I can't write my life to give it a happy ending... or at least put some sense into it.
I'm a very real me that had enough of being me. And all my fantasies have been replaced by a big black hole in the middle of myself, making me numb and unable to enjoy them... as well as everything around me. I built a wall around my heart just to find out that it's not even there anymore.

I've separated myself from people, avoiding contact and bonding just cause I don't wanna feel guilt for letting them down, so I can sink alone as I chose to be.

My life has been reduced to 2 deadlines... 2 dates... the only 2 days I will wanna see the sunlight... the 2 things I will hold on for... 2 stupid reasons to keep me breathing for another couple of months, cause nothing else does the trick. And I don't want anything else to do it either... I had enough of it.

If everything I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life is missing, I better go crawl under my rock.