Captain's Log... Or What Happens When I'm Left Alone For Five Minutes....

Captain’s log stardate 23.94.3

Current emotions are up and down. The average day in the life of the worthless; wishing to rest eternally but being dragged into this catatonic state known as reality. Perpetual naval gazing of the daily grind, doing little of value, is this at all worth it?
“It’s important so you have a future.”
Fat chance! My future doesn’t exist; it’s forever going to be more of the same, more repetitive study, mindless servitude to others; being crushed at every attempt of happiness.
“I finished with my woman because she couldn’t help me with my mind.”
I didn’t, she finished with me because my mind to too far gone. I seem like a perfectly caring person when you grab my attention, but how to grab that attention is a different matter. People think I’m insane, but it’s not because I’m frowning; it’s because when I’m not frowning they think I’m high; and when I am I don’t care.
“Nothing can stop me now because I don’t care anymore.”
Sadly I do care, I care too much; I care about everyone and everything; but all the wrong things to care about in this world. Admittedly little would change if I had died; a few people would miss me for the five minutes in which they had found out. People get over death, why don’t they get over love?

We are the voyagers upon the starship existence; our continuing mission: to explore strange new ideas, seek out new ways of life for a new civilisation, to contemplate thoughts that no man has contemplated before.

Many people in red jumpers to be killed by the aliens

Romanticising death

I care not for the trivia of life; I no longer wish to deal with this mindless human intercourse. It just seems to bring needless pain to all concerned. Accused of being outside of reality, not understanding what is great about existence; naïve fools, thinking that all is well; its all nothing.
I’m going to kill myself with substance, thought and action. The downward spiral is a harder journey than others think; nobody cares for morality, purity, faith or love. They care only for the empirical.
I’m leaving the world of men.

Telling me over and over again that I’ll all be alright, that I’ll find someone or something to live for; it’s just bollocks. Every time I find something that might define me, it’s a disappointment. Living for art is mindless as all I’ve ever done in that sector has been dark; and genuinely terrible. Living for friends is foolish as they will all leave me; all I will ever face is rejection. Love is much in the same area, finding someone who can stand me is hard enough; finding someone who cares about me enough in that way is impossible.

How anyone finds existence bearable is beyond my understanding. I look around and they work just as the world and the people in it want them to; they deal only with intoxication, and they are content in this. They are happy; and I can’t be. They seem to fit the ideal of this world, that you are naively happy, do your work, and leave in a family mould acted out by everyone else.
I can’t stand it.
Every artist is so much more skilled, so much more varied, so much better than I am.
I can’t stand it.
Everyone else finds someone, and yes relationships are tumultuous, but they at least have some happiness within the relationship. They manage to actually have one. I cannot.
I can’t stand it.