Mistake

I thought I was strong; I really did. I thought I could surpass all my problems and survive. I was so very wrong, it's unbelievable. How I could have let myself get my hopes up in such a way is simply amazing. How I allowed myself to believe that I could pull through my problems is just so ironic. Because I fell back, like an idiot. It angers me so much but most of all I'm just disappointed in myself, in what I allow myself to do. I'm disappointed in the extent of my emotions when I look at myself in the mirror; how much disbelief I hold at the image staring back at me from the glass.

And every day I put myself down, telling myself I'm not good enough. And every day I think, disgusting when I look at "myself". The mask I put on at school is amazing; you should really see it. You should see that false smile I wear, the looks I send people despite the emotions waging war on my insides. You should see that because if you knew the real me, you would see just how good an actress I can be.

I made another mistake and this time it's so much worse. This time I don't feel guilty about it. The last few made me feel like shit; like I had done something so horrible it was unforgivable. This time only made me want to keep going. This time only made me want to make more. And it's dangerous to let myself think this; to allow myself to fall back into my past. I don't want to fall back into that but it's so hard to keep myself from drowning.

Every little thing seems to hold so much weight on my shoulders to the point where the accumulation of so much is leaving me dry heaving over an empty toilet. I don't want this anymore; I don't want to feel like the scum of the earth. But this is what I have to go through every day; what I have to face every day. I wouldn't wish this on anyone; I want that to be known. None of this is to garner attention because that is the last thing I want. I just want an outlet for all these pent-up emotions because I feel as though I'll burst the next second.

I'm jealous, I'll admit it. I'm so jealous and envious of the other girls. They're so pretty; they're so confident. And here I am, sitting in a corner, wishing I could be them, if only for a day. They seem to lead such glamorous life and though I've been told that glamour kills, I can't stop it from being so appealing to me. But I can't have any of that. I can't have an embrace when I most need it; I can't have a gentle caress when I most want it because no one really knows me.

I've thrown my best friend out of the loop, pushed him away when all I really need is for him to stand by me. I've put on this accursed mask and convinced everyone thhat I'm perfectly fine when it's simply the opposite. I don't want to keep living this lie; I don't want to harbor these emotions anymore. It is times like this that make me wish to be numb again; to be unfeeling and "fine". But I'm not and I never will be. This is going to follow me for the rest of my life and it hurts ever so much to know so.

I'm just done with everything. I don't want a part in any of this anymore. I'm done with caring. I'm done with worrying. I'm just done.<3 Jenn