Updates.......

I feel like a fucked up failure right now. Like all my effort over the last year to get out of this nightmare I've been convicted in by drugs, alcohol, self harm etc, is all just been a waste. Like I should have just stayed fucked up and took my life on New Year like I planned to for so long. Last night, I broke my 6 month record of keeping away from self harm. I turned into this other person, a monster, like I did when I craved drugs and alcohol, I got angry and took it out on myself. I feel I'm less of a person, I'm less able to cope with addiction. And wow, I've never wanted a bottle of vodka so much in my life.

And I'm fed up. I'm fed up with the same routine; getting up, going to school, not learning a thing, getting bullied, hiding my shame by my make up and music. I go home and sit in the dark in my room for the rest of the day and then slowly drifting to sleep. All I want to do is play music, but my old fucking band flopped and when our drummer left and we got a new one, I saw my bassist head go so far up her arse. I hate her and I hate the new drummer, so I quit, but I'm lost without playing in a band.