I Saw Him

I saw him again. I only see him, when I have money on my hands. I had a 20. I always walk into a store, hoping he'll be there. He was. I never make it obvious, I visit once in a month or two.
The store smells of paper, lots of fresh paper and dust, somehow I can smell a slight scent of cigarettes, or at least something that reminds of tobacco. The lighting is always dim yet so warm. The windows are covered with posters, there's no sunlight, ever. It's so quite and calm. And cozy. Cozy, because of all those mangas, magazines, random figures...
When I make an entrance, I always go to the right side of the store, and search for manga I need. It's usually not there, in fact, I know it's not there. The one I need is never there. It gives me a reason to talk to him.
Why is it when you like somebody, you change. Or, well, I change. I can't be spontaneous, I can't be myself, really. There are so many things I can talk about, but once I stand in front of a subject of my so-called admiration, I can't say anything. As if something holds me back.
He's so nice, as a sails person. He can talk about a bunch of things. He doesn't care. If I walk into this store feeling down, if he's there, I know I will get out smiling. It's silly, really.
When my mother's with me, she usually strikes a conversation, that way I don't feel so tied up. We end up talking. Just a little bit. I am afraid I am staring at him too much, but his smile is so catchy. I don't even know his name. My mother is sure that a nice, cheerful person like him has a girlfriend. Well, of course, she's right, why wouldn't he?

Everything feels so dead. It's a dead-end everything. Am I making any sense? I feel like hiding away in my room, covered in blankets and pillows, seeing no one at all. I feel like ice cream, but I am cold all day long. Why is it when you want something so bad it hurts you, throws you into chills - no matter what you try to do or how much you're willing to spend on getting it - it won't be yours.

A sink full of dirty dishes. No food in the fridge again. Let it rot. Fuck, just let it all rot!

I want to take a bath.