Okay now I'm typing up another journal that nobody'll read so yeah... I might as well keep it up since I started...
These last few days have been okay-ish. I got out of a family matter hours ago and I can say with a relieved heart that I hate liars and want them to die. Especially people like my sister who swore with everything holy and unholy and built up lies over lies. Fourteen years and an accomplished liar. Well done.
But so much for being a good big sister. All I have been doing for the last few years is covering her tracks and lying to my mom about her doings. Basically being a doormat. And what do I get?
A stab in the back.
Guess I'm really that useless after all. I can't even guide or advise someone to save my life.
Moving on...
I have been having problems with writer's block these days; it's not pretty. I can't seem to write another KTF [which is the only thing I could basically write for a period of continuous weeks].
I think it's my faith in them again -most of my thoughts these days are about them actually- and it's scaring me. I'm sitting write now in front of my notebook ponder if I should grab my pen and write away but I can't. It's scary how the thing you cling onto the most; the thing that escalated in your mind to more than simple three words and a whole movement can crumble away with drips of poisonous thoughts. It hurts again.
It hurts being Gerard on the WAYT; it hurts pretending again.
I don't look at this man as a human being now; but as a source of strength as Tragic. referred to it once on the WAYT once.
I actually made my own KTF book -not as glamorous as the original one- but this one was one of my own KTFs. I read it once and couldn't read it again. It's been weeks since I ever laid a finger on it and right now I'm just staring at it and remembering. I was so excited when I printed them off and spent the rest of the afternoon organizing it and printing off my banners and waiting for the ink to dry away.
Where did all that go? Was I that shaken up by people's words regarding them or their stories?
The funny thing is that I wish I had an answer...
I wish...
I've been doubting my sanity these days so that might help in explaining everything...
Mainly because I've been spending way too many afternoons walking around the house and my room talking to mibbians in my head. I did that where I imagined I was in Australia and was talking to basically every Aussie mibbian I know.
Then I stopped. Woke up. Realized that this isn't real. That I'm lying to myself to keep it all going.
I'm not who you think I am... I'm not that nice; I don't know why everyone keeps telling me that.
I've been thinking of ditching my best friend of 12 years now because she called me suicidal and it was because of mibba.
That whole discussion still disturbs me to even think about. She doesn't understand and that hurts me.
She doesn't understand the magic of the :file: smiley and how mibbians tease each other through weird chat-speak and our inside jokes.
I hate talking to her on MSN because of that [and the terrible grammar and eye burning spelling]; and that's why I basically become a bitch to her on MSN...
I don't forgive that easily...
But I don't want to leave her over KTF and Mibba... I'm trying to hold on.
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful] T
She loved them more than she could handle, some people have love and the hearts of others to cling to; all she had was them. <---- that's my reason for all this drama. that's how much i need them
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
what tell me f600m do you want me to say??
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
huh
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
do you want me to say its great??and it really sound awsom and whatever
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin.
no.
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
aaah so thats it,your briliant ,oh i am sorry i was so stupet but new i understand you it all clear to me,is that what you want me to say??
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
that dousnt feels like that
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
no.
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful] ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN) just forget it
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
why the fuck do you want me to do that
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
?????
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
i'm explaining it to you, that's it
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
i'm not bragging about how good i write
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
im showing you how much it means to me
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
and i understand i really fucking do but you keep pushing me away telling me to forgat about it
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
because you think i'm suicidal; you think it's dark; it's maybe bloody but not dark. blood and death doesn't mean darkness
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
you said you are suicidal many times
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
and its all becouse of those fuckers on mibba
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
WTF?}
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
its the truth
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
NOT IT ISN'T
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
SOME OF THEM ARE THE BEST PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
and some arent
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
yeah they are
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
they are what??
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
They are the some of best people i've even met.
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
and what about the others??
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
I don't talk only to the ones i really know
ToKiO hOtEl RoCk-ScHrEi So LaUt Du KaNnSsT(sCrEaM aS lOuD aS yOu CaN)
the ones that made you cry the other day ,are they the bestest ever??
Sin, sin, sin. You're full of fucking sin. [Explicitly Sinful]
because i care.
I spent over thirty minutes explaining my metaphors to her and all I got was more anger and more hurt [from my side of course]; maybe it's not worth it after all.
Or maybe I'm just burnt skin waiting to be touched so the wound would get infected and sink deeper?
I've heard that many promises have been broken; many, many promises. I feel for you but as I defined them in one of my pieces; "Promises are childish things. Words following happy grins and overflowing confidence; they're ego. They're not real."
That's what I honestly think; they keep us from losing it, losing confidence in others; losing faith in them. They're just words...
But then again... who cares about the thoughts of some Kuwaiti girl?
...
[/end]
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