The Cure

I walked back from my mother's house with my daughter in her pushchair this evening and the world seemed "right" for me. The spring air was crisp, with the setting sun glowing orange mixed with the darkening blue of the sky through the trees. There was a slight mist in the air and the bite of the evening cool was refreshing on my skin. I listened to The Cure which I had plugged in to my ear on one side whilst listening to little'un burbling in the other. I was happy.

I suddenly realised that I've been searching for happiness outside of myself all this time. Coveting an idealised version of myself to the detriment of the real me. Plus, I idolise other people, which is all very well, but it's just me looking through rose tinted glasses at someone and loving them for qualities that I myself possess. I have nothing to search for to make me happy now because all I have to do is to develop the qualities in myself that I admire in other people and learn to live with the parts of me I don't like so much.

I listened to The Cure and it opened up my head completely in a way that I've experienced previously on drugs. I suddenly "get" them these days, which I suspected that I would for a long time but never quite did. I knew deep down that I was "meant" to love them and meant to understand it. It's like staring at one of those magic eye pictures for ages and not being able to see anything. You know there's something there and you know you'll like it, but it takes several attempts to hit on it and find out what the picture is. Now, I see something beautiful and really feel the music. Now I feel like whatever was holding me back from liking them AND liking me has gone for good.

Out of the blue, as if to sum up what I was thinking I heard the words "You finally found the courage to let it all go" which summed everything perfectly for me. I felt tears forming in my eyes. It's what I want and what I need. It's about letting go of the perfectionist idealised "me" and accepting the person I am and that takes guts ("stand up fucking tall, don't let them see your back") I'm not intellectual and not going to be a "great" anything, but the person I am is good enough. I can write reasonably well when I put my mind to it. I'm playing bass now and making improvements in it. I'm writing lyrics (not good enough to post on here yet but it's a start) and writing this regular journal. I'm allowing myself to open up and be expressive.

I felt like I was set free in that moment and able to relax into being myself. I felt like I was giving myself a fresh start. I felt alive.