Completely ***ed, for sure.

I feel like i've ruined a lot of friendships tonight. So, there's this party right? I went but because I didn't get much sleep last night I got all tired and didn't speak much. Thing is, I feel like me and my best friend are slowly slipping away from each other and when I told her I wanted to leave, she said "No, Ray don't go! Dean, stop Raven from leaving!" I tried to get out as fast as I could before I burst into tears like an idiot. I almost fell through the front door and walked up the driveway pulling my hoody over my head and tried to get away from all the people who were trying to make me stay. I didn't even know why I wasn't allowed to go anyway.

When I walked like a mile or so down the road, I started crying because I knew that i'd ruined something. This girl called Lucy caught up with me and tried to see what was wrong. I explained what happened to my dad and she said that she'd spoken to people who've lost family members as well. She tried to help me and she said that my dad would be looking down at me and not wanting me to cry. He wants me to be happy and to get on with my life.

I wanted outside the shop while her and some other guys went to get alcohol. I cried, again. I wished it would all be over. And the real sad part about it, was that I was contemplating whether to jump under the next bus. But I thought, That isn't gonna solve anything.

My best friend and some others were stood across the street in a bus stop. I tried not to catch their attention as I crossed the road and made my way home, but they called after me, but I just ignored them and carried on walking. Was that bad?

When I got home, my mom was shocked to see that I'd come home early and then she came out with this lecture about how I shouldn't have walked home alone. I said, "Some of them walked me halfway." Which was kinda true, I guess. Except that they didn't want me to go home at all.

Then my mom saw my face and she was like "What's wrong?" So I explained that I was feeling uneasy about my dad. I didn't tell her that I felt like jumping under a bus, 'cause then she'd freak out. I have been suicidal before in my life, but it got sorted out. I told her about how I felt about my friends, that I thought I ruined our relationships. She said, "Well, if your friends are true friends, then they'd still care about you and ask if you were okay."

I agreed to it.

Tonight has made me look at myself in a different way. I mean, how selfish am I not to tell my best friend how I am feeling about my dad? How much of a coward am I when I walk away from the people who probably care about me? Very.

I guess i've learnt my own lesson: Tell people what's going on.

This journal entry isn't exactly meant for comments but if anyone has ever felt like how I feel now, it'd be great to know that i'm not the only one.

xoxo